L.I.F.E again.

Mom: At night, please face the mirror down on the table. Dont let it anyhow shine.
Me: Why? Your scareeee.
*Mom walks past behind me, to the storeroom.*
Me: Your scareee.
*Mom walks past behind me, to the living room.*
Me: Your scareeee.
Mom: What for I scare, just dont let it anyhow shine.
Me: Your scareeee.
*Mom walks away*
-
Felt mirthful and joy with life the past few weeks. Like finally, I got a L.I.F.E OGEES. Seems like every morning, Ive something to wake up to. Havent felt like this in a while. And friends have started to ask me out more and more. Its like saying hi to the world again. So, sisters! Ask me out ;] Dont let me indulge into the darkness again.

The taste of ink - The used
Bai.
P.S I havent miss the boat yet.

My sis went to Lin yu zhong concert yesterday.

Notebook please.

My eyes blurred through visions, beyond boundaries when the endless paintings of images spinned into a cyclone. I just stared through time and space.

Groups of people entered into my life.
A group that calls,"Grow up."
A group that sang and dance for you through the apocalypse.
A group that stung through sour teeth,"Your fat and ugly."
A group that just wanna have fun.
It doesnt matter what they did.
Let the ones whom is willing to, diffuse into you and your life.

Shit, wheres my notebook and pen?

The first step is always the hardest, yet the second one is much easier. I kept telling myself to get out of the fence. I never did.
But I did it this time. I was happy and glad. Sitting down with a group of strangers isnt one of my forte. Instead it is terrifying to me.
It gave my moral a huge boost, and I know that I am finally moving on. Not staying there stagnant anymore. I wanna keep moving on. Its a huge turn for me. It may sounds weird but YA. No more prozac? Tee hee.
But sometimes, I love sinking myself into depression and close the doors of the world. Being with myself. But its not always easy for me to reinstate my mood. It is instead, challenging. Dont trigger the bomb.

Do the best of what your conscience signals.

Cant dwell on the past and do something which isnt possible to make amends to.

I know, I know, these whole paragraph isnt contructive and organize. But Im sorry, my brain isnt a notebook. I cant remember what was processing in my mind if I dont get it down.

_

I dont got anything against Christianity or religion. I got something against Christians that neglect the meaning and reason of being a Christian. Just like my Granny. She is a Buddhist. She is a vegeterian. She never ask herself, why is she a vegeterian? She is eating vegetable blindly hurling out the fact of being peace at heart. Stuffs are not to be mentioned here but yes, she might as well eat meat.

Panadol for cold works like a wonder. I am obliged to trust the commercial.

Sorry for being so disorganized again.
_

Really been an eventful day. North south east west in a day. Yesterday 11am, went Tanjong pagar with Seth. Raffles place to Dobby ghaut. 5.30pm, met XY at City hall. Effin sales, no fitting for bras. Before going into the warehouse sales, we pondered about why are there no one carrying bags out. We got our answer when we left the warehouse sales. 11pm to Pasis Ris beach. 7.30am the next morning, reached home.

Fucking haircut. I HATE IT! Now I lost my Malay-looking style. EFF. This hair SUCKS. Usually I wouldnt mind what hair the hairstylist gave me, but it must be different than my previous haircut. Theres totally nothing different or unique to this hair except the front which I hate. I 100% felt that the hair is not 10cent worth. Wasted my 24$. Now im broke. When im broke, this is what imma do.
Im gonna ask the ones who didnt gave me presents and ask for a huge red packet.
First target, granny.

When I was young, I always played a game. I missed it and search it up.
Download Hotdog Vendor
ITS NOT SILLY ITS FUN OKAY. Hmhp.
-
When a person sings, he/she commute into a whole new person.

This girl is ruining her life. I pity her mom. =/

15 yr old girl had sex with 300 men.

Catch more of Maury's show. Some are funny some are outrageous. Girl who is afraid of pickles.

DIEGO LUNA <3

Nothing better.

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That your're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And i swear i'll do my best to comply

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

I feel must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave

So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling i love you so...

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

I admit that i have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

Happy used-to annivesary.

-01.06.06

HAIYER! We should have taken a ONE WHOLE group photo ;[ And I meant ONE WHOLE. The whole lot of us including the guys. SAD. Theres would be so many peoples!
Okay, tell me to get over the party. NO I CANT GET OVER IT!

I regretted not taking more pictures. No pictures with the bartender as well. CRYS HAHA! From 1am onwards, I felt that theres like not enough time. IT REALLY LASTED SO SHORT!

Damn pimp yo.

Birthdays.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY XUE YING!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Uncle Kenneth came to visit us for the last time before he leave for London again. It will be 2 years before he come back to Singapore. He talked to me. I had the same problems with him. I cried. I didnt want to but im still moved to tears cause its real. What he said was true. I didnt want to elaborate. Im still waking up from my drunken state. I only had one huge problem, and its not a inter-personal problem.
"Change the VICIOUS cycle to a VIRTOUS cycle."

Met up with them at 10.45pm. Yup I was late, I watched Condor of the Heroes before I left my house. I regretted leaving my house late. We opened four bottles of Chivas but I aint as wasted as the last birthday! But still it was fun, tho I felt that the night was very very very short. There are still "Yi han" left there. I didnt get to do what I wanted to.

I really appreciate them celebrating the birthday with me and giving me gifts. I was really touched. The fruit cake was good too, I had two pieces. ;P

The bartender, tho the previous one was cooler since the fight at Disc-cussion. But the new one was okay too. ;P Hee hee. Yi han?
The boss treated me well as well. I DO NOT HAVE A GRUDGE AGAINST HIM OKAY!

Its fun, i enjoyed everything. ;] And yes, I love alcohol, I loses my inhibition to talk and socialize. I love it. I love the feeling of being confident, of being able to talk to people I dont know. I love Chivas!

I still hope to go Disc-cussion as frequently as the past few months. Its the place I feel good in. Well sometimes.

Thank everyone! You are in my heart! Tho I am really sorry to drift too far away because of my personal problems. I AM REALLY HAPPY!

My heart goes out to,
Ying Ting
Pei Yin
Xue Ying
Liyan
Michelle
Jocelyn
Lee Yun
Yu Jia
Xiao hui
Spencer
"Andy lau"
Ben
Darren
"Andy lau's sister"
Two of the waitress (Im sorry but I forgot your names, they even invited me to clubbing after pub. So nice of them, we didnt even talked alot.)
Ah Meng
Boss
Jeremy and her sis.
And the people who didnt came but had their greetings.

THANK YOU ALL for making this joyful night!

Rockstar INXS.

OH AMMM GEE!

Losing my religion by Suzie Mcneil

It was AWESOME! I had my goosebumps when I listened to it. ROCK ON! \M/

Baby one more time by Marty Casey
A pop song by Britney can ROCK too. Hit me baby one more time ;]

With arms wide open
MARTY CASEY! LOVES! Love his performace on this song. So touching, I almost cried!

Shit, theres a black man singing a rock song. THATS SO WEIRD AND FUNNY! I cant concentrate on the song hes singing, i kept smiling. Catch Ty taylor. Lazy to post link. Dont mean to be racist ;x

THANK JEREMY!

Life is like a MMORPG.
Gaming is believing.

Thole stupid fat fucks.

TFB!

Two birthday postponed to Saturday.
-
BICTHES! At my work place. Been two days. Gees i say TFB! Two fat beesh.
From now, I DECLARE WARRRRR!
Gotta bring plasters to work tomorrow. >_>
Everyday to Macpherson Rd. God I need my 14 hours sleep. *Eyes black*
I overshot the bus stop and landed myself in Aljunied. >.>
-
I wonder if anyone who worked Mc with me 4 years ago remember this old malay guy who works Mc with us. Today, I was looking down from 161, I saw him crossing the same overhead bridge from Compass point, wearing the same Mc uniform. =/

Puked again. What an embarassment. Stood outside the carpark and puked everything I had right there. Err the lady that walked past looked scared. -_-

So.... I guess I was wrong. I was made a fool from the very start. Its still not late to realise. But im okay. I be okay. To know that I dont mean a thing from the very start.

Sorry.

It was a VERY rash decision but since I said it...
Ahh well, I am sorry for hurting you so much for these few months. Cause you dont understand nor try to. I know my words are hurting and straight forward.
Now, I cant look at you or listen to your voice without getting irritated. You reminds me of the anger inside me.
After it ended, I dont feel like I've lost something, maybe I felt that your gone very long ago.
I still can picture your sad face and your back as you walked away.
Maybe I need time away from you.

Havent done any quality writings since the day. Will get on a new story. ;]

>_>

Went to dinner with Alphy. Watched Spidey man 3. I still dont understand why the whole world is so into it. Fucking 1m$ in just one day in Singapore's box office.
The whole movie was boring until the ending part. I sat til my back ache. Boring movie.

I guess I hasnt really change since 2003. Im a huge disappointment to everyone. At this point, Im still not ready to sit down. It seems like I lost directions of what im doing. When can I stop getting into trouble?

From autumn to ashes - Chroloform perfume
Lates.

Vomited after medicine. Bitterness.

NEW SPEAKER!

HAPPEE BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST SISTER ERNIES!
HAPPEE BIRTHDAY TO PEIYIN!

Concerning the previous post, no, I seriously dont dare to poop tho I feel it coming out soon.
My speakers, bitched up. Couldnt hear the guitars.
Headphones, bitched up. Wires.
My throat sore and dry from smoking.

From first to last - My heart your hands
P.S Punani for weeds.

Poopeh.

Yelled at my granny twice today. Its only 11am. Guess I do have the anger in me. DONT IRRITATE ME NIGS ;]
Another confession.
I dare not to poop. What? Yes, you heard that right. I dare not to poop.

Dream of colors.

Watched finished the series on Channel U every 10pm.
I first time I watched it, it was boring and "just another show". But I watched it just to waste the time. As I watched it subsequently, I cant stop!
Its a gooood show. Michelle, from no one to someone. The show is full of hopes. ;]
PLUS Nick and Michelle looks so cute together! <333

My wish is to witness a miracle and hope.

Happy mother's day.

Mom sent me an sms after she went off for work. I nearly cried reading it. My Mom is so mushy <3

"Is good that you channel your anger into your blog. Stay positive and revive your love in reading. Take care and we love you because you mean alot to us."

I love you too Mom. You mean alot to me too.

P.A.S.S?

XY, Seth, thanks for calling.

Me: "Why dont I feel any sadness after the op?"
Mom: "But you feel anger. Its just the emotions that is different."
-
I got a confession. I think......... the doctors put me to sleep and injured me. I got a bruise under my chin. EVIL DOCTORS! D:

Blood runs free.

I cant run, somehow it hurts.
I cant pee without thinking of that.
It is still bleeding.
The world is spinning.

Went for the op. Cute surgical robe. They lay me on a bed. I listened to the cadence of the nurses talking to the other patients. The repetition of "take off your panty now, the doctor is coming to put the medication." "Sleep first, you cannot get off the bed for 2 hours." Blah blah blah.
The nurse 'pokes' the cannula into my veins. As she is preparing the cannula, I nearly cried. I was so frightened of what to expect next the moment I stepped into the ward. When she insert the cannula in, its not as bad. The doctor came, insert something into my vagina. I had to wait for 2 hours before proceeding into the surgical room. Tried to sleep. Couldnt. Tossed and turned. Fucking cold.
Two hours passed. I went into the surgical room. Doctors gave me the GA. It works like a wonder. Like getting drunk but in a fast forward motion. I woke up. My tummy hurts alot, I was shivering uncontrollably. My teeth shaking away. I told the nurse I was cold. She say its the effect of the drug. It hurts to move. My back ached from lying too much. Finally it was over.

I walked out of the room. He greeted me by saying, "Where are we going to eat" over and over again instead of "You feeling okay? Does it still hurts? Do you feel like vomiting? Can you walk far?" You said your concern is me. MY ASS. Your concern is food. Are you so very hungry?
Over the months, tons of arguements. Not even a sorry. A sorry doesnt mean you are in the sorry. A sorry means making the girl happy. And stop being mad. But no.
Your biggest mistakes is to PRETEND THAT NOTHING HAD HAPPENED.
The arguements is a little matter compared to the baby.
You recieved the news. Pretend nothing had happened.
After the op. Pretend nothing had happened.

How I wish to hear, im sorry you have to go through this. Are you scared? Dont worry you be fine. Im sorry that this happened. But no. To you, NOTHING HAD HAPPENED.

Now IM the one who is suffering, and not you. So stop thinking of yourself only. Throw your HIGH HUGE ego out for a moment. And stop with that tone. Stop trying to lecture me. And PUSH all the blames to me. You are in no position. I AM SUFFERING NOT YOU.

Act like a man. Stop acting like a wuzzy.

This concerns the both of us and I am the only one who is suffering. Think about MY feeling. Try to push me away after I suffered all this because of you, not so easy let me tell you.
And when all this is over, I knew you would be quick to throw me away. You wouldnt even try. I wasnt wrong about you right. ;] Think carefully. The baby is gone doesnt mean im not a threat anymore. Im not the kind who will suffer in silence. Im not the kind who will suffer ALONE.

Think about what else could you have said that would change the way I acted. Stop pushing the blame around. This point, you pushing the blame around, is what my Dad is right. Indians change their talks quickly to put the blame around.

God I feel like im dating a kid.

Rainy monday

I dont mind,
you are someone who aint mine
but someone that I'll get.
And you dont know how hard Ive tried
to convince myself that I can easily forget.


But you left this feeling here inside me
One that never fails to find me.


On a rainy monday
A feeling inside me
Like the days of summer

On a rainy monday
I feel it inside me
In the hopes of one day

I wont lie,
I still cant say that I admit we went too far.
And you wont see me change my mind
but i really wish that i could forget the way you are.

I still feel you shine inside of me.

I am very happy. Not really good to say it here.
But im glad that I know something.
I know you are still who you are. You never change. I was wrong.
-
Tomorrow will be a scary day for me. I dont know how will I go through it. Even though I know I wouldnt find any comfort when im there, I know you will pray for me and hope all goes well.

Still loving you.

Mmm Laska, nasi lemak, char kway tiao, mee pok.

Uncle kenneth came back from London!

List of things he bought:
Three huge boxes of chocolate from hotel chocolat.
One Gucci perfume!
One box of Earl's grey tea. The one used in London hotel. 1k teabags.
One bottle of coffee powder. Nescafe. He said it taste different from the one in Singapore. o.o
One bottle of tropical pepper.
Three packs of gums.
A sovenir from Venice.

He talked to me. He went through depression before, he took the long way which lasted 5 years. And so he talked to me... Lots of stuffs.

No bees no hunny, no work no munny.

Deleted two kRO two sakray setup. Taking huge spaces on my D drive. -_-

Addicted to TVB! Canto teachers please ;]

Absolute unreliable and incredibility.

200 pounds beauty.

Just finished watching 200 pounds beauty. A little too late isnt it? Got it off from youtube tho.
It is soooo touching! I nearly cried but I didnt.
I <3 her Dad. Hes cute.
I wish I could lose all these weight too. If I could be as pretty as her, I tell you I dont mind doing a whole body make over either. But then again, nah, it feels too weird.

I got the full album of 200 pounds beauty OST.
Msn me for the song.

Tracklist

01. Beautiful Girl - Kim Ah Joong
02. Byul - You Me
03. Maria - Kim Ah Joong
04. Dance With My Daddy - Alex of Clazziquai
05. You Don’t Know I Love You - U
06. Superstar - Loveholic
07. Tulip - Benny(Sang Sang Band) Feat. Jong Hwi
08. Miss You Much - You Me
09. Beautiful Girl(teaser Edit) - Kim Ah Joong Feat. Alex And
10. As a fool - Kim Hyung Joong
11. Byul(movie Edit) - Kim Ah Joong

Ragnarok online

OMG GUESS WHAT I FOUND! The vocal version of RO's BGM! Listen to it RO addicts ;]

The original version.

Theme of prontera



Wanna be free!! [This is the BGM you always listen to during WoE]



Theme of Payon



The vocal version.

Theme of Prontera



Wanna be free!!



Theme of Payon




I got goosebumps listening to those. Thats how much I feel for it. I wanted to share these with someone like Lan. Someone that shared the happiest moments with me. Ahh i dunno what to say, I actually had so much to say.

Tho im two days late. Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Me:"Can you help me off the window? Its very bright I cant sleep. ... ... Off?"
*Shrugs*
Sis:"But its very stuffy in here, I on the other side of the window? ... ... On?"
*Shrugs*

-

Yesterday night, when I looked at the msg on the screen, I allowed my tears to trickle down and let out a whisper, "But without you..."

Everytime every moment I thought of him, there would be these thousands of glazing blades stabbing deep into my heart. Down under my throat feel like millions of unspeakable words plugg and jam right there as I struggle to catch a wisp of breath without having my vision blur. The lungs in the chest shrink to a air-tight rubber balloon. A movie will then starts playing in my head. A smile, a pair of eyes of longing, a feeling of happiness. My lungs feel lighter and my breathing turns perfectly normal. This is the point where I miss him even more dearly.
Days will pass, memories of him will camoflage into the surroundings, my mind will clear him out. And then once again, things, songs and images will once reminds me of him.

Do you feel the same way too?

The story.

"Tell us the story behind your favourite songs"

Yes there is always a story behind every songs. Man I love you Sony.
You read my mind!
-
Found a clip on youtube. Memories of k3ro. It isnt that video that counts. Its the comments and the people. Familiar names. Familiar feelings. Familiar words. I miss k3ro. Blind jota, haniel, the BRs quitted after k3ro. SEE I was sure it was the best server.
-
Delivery boy was cute.

Rock please.

Saosin craze's over?
Update on ROCK pl0x!

GIVE THE JELLY!

This shit hilarious. Audio by dane cook the comedian, anime;naruto. The anime just add the spices to his stand up. This clip has NOTHING to do with Naruto.

"Is that you? Monkey fucking a coconut sir? MFC is that you? MFC? Thats a monkey, it could be a melon and it looks like a coconut."

"I asked you do we have any jelly in the house? DO WE OR DO WE NOT HAVE JELLY! I will break your neck and pour jelly all over your body and pray to the GODS of jelly. AND BURN YOUR SOUL TO THE JELLY-LIKE HELL! NOW GIVE THE JELLY!"

Check this shit out.

Dont say I didnt gave you chances. I gave you more than enough.
The difference between trying hard enough and trying only when you feel like it.

LINKIN PAAARK! The only artist, I bought every album.

Omgness.

Four minutes and forty five seconds of OMGEEEEE! Slap me please.
Check this shit out.

Sundays.

So many Sundays had past.
On the Sundays that had past, I always had these words in mind, "I will start studying on Monday".

Tsk tsk.

You should be grateful I didnt bring the baby to make a big scene around your neighbourhood at your house. I can pretty much ruin your life like that. But I didnt, you ruin mine but I dont intend to ruin yours. You can show no remorse for all I care.
So for a moment, can you stop being so self centered?

Ragnarok Online.

Back to RO, nigs. ;]

Ever since I recieved that bad news. I've seen a negative side of you. Maybe I had seen it all along. Maybe my limit of tolerance had reached. To top it all of, you are not doing anything to the "alienating" situation. Dont behave like nothing's wrong. It usually doesnt helps.

Foooding.

Lists of cravings!

Double fillet
Fries from Macdonald's
Swensens
Mee rebus
Hokkien mee
Duck rice
Instant porridge
McSpicy

What joy, if I could eat them in one day.

WILL add on. Crys.

More sleeping, more eating, more sitting around. I HATE my flabs.

Seize the day

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
A melody, a memory, or just one picture.

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

Macdonald's double fillet is back again. ;O

The dark mind.

"Welcome back home my friend, you know you belong here. You know you are never made to be good. Glad your back. You belong to us."

He succeeded again.

When you lost something, you gained something.
But instead of being grateful, I cant stop crying over my lost and neglected the existence of what I've gained. I feel bad but I dont know what should I do.
And yes, I love him, but I dont wanna lose my last reality.

Against depression.

A great story. Affirming and somehow touching for me.

Against Depression by Dervala
Click

I knew more about depression than most. I’d sat up through the night listening to despairing people on a suicide hotline. I’d seen people close to me live with it—and I do mean live, black jokes and all. I’d read Andrew Solomon’s fat book, The Noonday Demon. Somehow all that unfelt knowledge left me with the belief that if you could get out of bed (even if you’d slept in your clothes), you weren’t depressed. That paralyzing quality, described so often, was one I took literally.

I, on the other hand, wasn’t sick at all last winter. I was just failing and flailing. In fact, I would have liked to have been sick—confined to bed with some mysterious, painless illness that would have let me sleep for a long time and see no one. I thought about that a lot. And I thought about crawling under my desk at work, or into my wardrobe at home. The dark, the hidden, and the confined were the only inviting spaces left. Under my desk, I wouldn’t have to worry about leaking tears, or looking people in the eye, or inspiring my clients to greatness.

A few months before, I’d found things funny. Skipped and sang on Bernal Hill. Turned annoyances into dramatic stories. Said yes to invitations. Now, before meetings, I wrote “BREATHE” on the inside of my left wrist, because I kept tamping down stale air in my lungs instead of letting it out. Then it escaped in windy sighs that I couldn’t hold in any more than sneezes. I walked slowly, hoarding energy. I planned my day to avoid people. At night I would fall into bed in my clothes, as early as I could, only to wake wide-eyed at four in the morning, chased by mean, looping thoughts like a rabbit on a dogtrack.

Have you ever almost really hurt yourself? A badly-judged left turn that makes a truck honk, or a vault off your bike that could have smashed your skull? The knee-shaking shot of adrenaline that wires your whole body after a near-miss is permanent in depression. At that dosage, adrenaline is poison. Every scrap of energy gets diverted to survival. Every fiber twitches: danger—fight or flight? It looks like sloth, but it feels like war.

I felt like I would break, but only kind words cracked me. Luckily, when you’re depressed, you can throw human kindness off the scent: that frowning, sighing slump dries up the cheerful greetings and sends friends away. It must be like being very old, or very ugly. Without the respite of an illness or a convent, I crawled through day after day in which I was an unfit employee, girlfriend, daughter, sister, and friend. My mind plunged into pointless, terrifying rants that came packaged as reality, revealed at last. Life is ugly. No one will help. No one could help. Help with what?

Like rheumatoid arthritis, depression turns your own body against itself. It chews not on your cartilage, but on your brain cells and your sense of reality. It’s as seductive as a wife-beater, shutting out other voices to turn itself into your only friend. The only one who tells the truth about the bleakness of the world. All your energy goes towards getting through whatever stands in your way—struggling, slogging, pushing, through work and small talk and getting food—whatever it is you have to get through until you can be alone again with the voice who can be trusted.

And the last thing it feels like is an illness. No, this monumental, world-swallowing suckage sits outside you: it comes from the project, the job, the love affair, the city, the family, or the decade. For me, these low cycles have always led me to abrupt life changes. It’s a kind of shock therapy: uprooting jobs, careers, relationships, and countries. Those shifts feed the craving for anonymity and reinvention, and they leave behind the shame of a condition that breeds shame.

When I was eight years old I got glasses for the first time. I put them on in the living room, and when I looked out the window, I could see each blade of grass, crisp and bright and distinct, where before there had been a soft green blur. I looked at everything that day, and said hello to all the small things. It was amazing, that all this had been there all along.

Getting better from depression was like that. Missing dimensions popped back up. Plain old normal days tasted crisp and delicious. And then there were the bittersweet replays, when I traveled through the previous months and years, and counted all I’d misheard, misfelt, and missed. Depression isn’t noble or interesting; it’s monotonous, self-absorbed misery that leaves little room for art or kindness or other people.

I’m back, I wanted to shout last spring, that hunched crone was a changeling, not me! I wanted to learn how to get better without running from the site of misery; how to return to people who hadn’t realized I’d been away. I would have liked some scars to point to, to explain my absence. It was shocking, in a way, this drug-borne proof that I’m an animal, washed with chemical tides, turning seasons, light, and food into moods. When you reduce my suffering to a curable disease; to symptoms, postures, and intonations, I’m no longer especially special. All those causes for my sadness fluttered down like snotty Kleenex.

It’s been more than a year since I got sick, and eight months since I got better. Every day I think of the scientists who mashed up rat brains to create the drugs that brought me back to life, and I’m grateful. And I wish more people could shuck that hollow shell.

-

Fate brought me to her page.

TeeVee
Lates.

If I could disintergrate to dust.
If I could fade to nothing in everyone's memory.
Just like how I never exist.

You came into my life once, and never left.
Tho your gone, the shadow of you and me still stays.
-To the Mushroom.

Does it pains you?

Holy

Kaz3RO - Where dream awaits

I had a beautiful dream there, what about you?

Someone translate this song for me! I just know the title is "Thank you".
-
Its a bad month.

He said,"Take care of lil lan."

This distraction leads me off path. Yet again. My books are neglected once again. Eff.

I want a piercing.

Fuck you.

Ever since that night, I kept having the urge to go on RO to look for you.

My existence.

I pray.
All these hidings would not deteriorate the relationship between my Dad and my Mom.
I am truely sorry for all that I cause.
Why have I not do anything to please you?
You are the best parents I ever had.
I am sorry.

Your not alone - Saosin
Bai.
P.S It was my sister that made me realised that Friday the 13th was when I recieved the tragic new in grief.

Black Friday.

So appalling.

Remove it. The 'it' is not anything. Its a part of you, it is something that belongs to you.
"Im not ready" Oh yea thats a totally responsible answer. Look at the situation, do you think its important if your ready or not? You think im ready either? No I am not. We are young adults, wheres the responsiblity.

You said remove it so easily. Of course.
You got NOTHING to face.
I got EVERYTHING to face alone.
You got NOTHING to lose.
I got everything to lose.
I can list down what I have to face, now tell me, what do you have to face?

I repeat, you have nothing to face.

My life is pretty well screwed up. Every year's a bad year. What can I say? "This is a bad year" thats not my word. "This is a bad decade." That my word. God hates me and I hate him too.
Life is already unstable, PLEASE THROW A BOMB UPON ME AGAIN PLEASE SO I CAN FINALLY NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.
Bestow death upon me.

And what can you do for me?

The quietness - My house
Chaw.
P.S I hope my Daddy hits me until he kills the liveS. Take my life.

轉角遇到愛

A touching qoute from 轉角遇到愛.

Qing Lang told Xing Lei when shes sleeping.

"Did you really appear in my world?
If so, why did I let you leave my side?
If you didnt, why does my heart hurts so bad?
After you leave, your smell will slowly fades and your face will slowly vanish to a silouette.
I just hope that you can leave something behind to let me know that you are here once."

Ignoramus.

Im sorry that im in love with rock. You dont know me, dont act like you do. I am not an angel.
PLEASE do not say something about things that YOU do not know. You have such shallow knowledge about rock, so why say something like that about rock. WHAT DO YOU KNOW. You dont know rock. Dont act like you do.

"Rock music has its roots in 1950s-era rock and roll and rockabilly.
Rock developed a number of subgenres, such as soft rock, blues rock, post-hardcore, progressive rock, psychedelic rock, screamo and punk rock."

It is subgenres from rock. Of course its rock. Wth are you talking about.

"Singing styles can include relativly standard melodic, harmonious rock-style singing; ragged, usually high-pitched screaming; barked shouting, and whispering.These various singing styles can be used by the same band, and often within the same song, and are typically meant to express strong emotions."

I respect that you do not enjoy rock. I did not force you to listen to them. So please respect that I love rock. Do not make any stupid critics of it in front of me if you dont even listen to them or dont have the least knowledge about them.
You dont even respect me. Is this love? Love me for what I am. Do not love me for what you want me to be. Stop trying to change me.

"Rock is a hybrid, a mix of various musical styles and genres."

Its hard to say - The used [Alternative rock, its rock.]
Bai.
P.S I am afraid and filled with trepidation of what will happen after tomorrow. At certain times, I have to remind myself that guys run away with responsiblity.

Wrapped around your finger.

It feels like I havent been blogging for a long time, though I did left a post everyday still.
I had a dream. Weird thing is I dreamt of him. The one that ruin my self esteem back in sec 2. Well the feeling in the dream was weird.
Dont feel like blogging anymore.

Devil and the deep blue sea behind me,
Vanish into the air, you'll never find me.
I will turn your face to alabaster,
Then your find your servant is your master.

Hypnotized by you if I should linger ,
Staring at the ring around your finger.

Mephistopheles is not your name,
But I know what you're up to just the same.

No, i am not enjoying it.

I am categorize as mentally ill.
Mom told my I got 4 or 5 out of 7 attribute and many other signs could be seen in my daily life.
She find it saddening.

I am entrap in this apocalypse.

Trashed and scattered - Avenged sevenfold
Chaw.
P.S Pull me out?

Im not emo, im just depress.

Something to think about.
Why does 'emo' posers love to add me in friendster?

Be consious.

My mom keep telling me everyday, self-control, be consious of what you are doing. Be consious of the time. Be consious of long have you been on the com.

I woke up late again. I could have slept in the whole afternoon if I didnt had a bad dream. I dreamt of my mom reformat my com and lost ALL the songs. To that, I woke up.

Stars - Simpley red
Laters.

Every rose has its thorn.

We both lie silently still
In the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart in side

Was it something I said
Or something I did
Did my words not come out right?

Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why the say

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like very cowboy sings a sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn, yeah it does

I know I could've saved our love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of making love... we both made our separate ways

And now I hear you found somebody new
And that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife

Black stone.

FINALLY! The long last wait. I shitted. Ahh, the feeling of satisfactory total evacuation. It was hard and strenuous tho, you can see my veins popping out from my neck as every hard-rock stone falls with a hydraulic plop into where it supposed to be. Okay, I will stop to prevent anyone from stomach upsets.

Couldnt blog more. My mood for the week = apathy.

U2 - With or without you
Chaw.
P.S I almost cry shitting.

Im still not over this "Iattraction" yet!

Yet again.

Sometimes, I dont know if I should even trust you. Sometimes, I just dont care. For a reason. I dont want to be the one trying so hard. I had always been the one trying so hard in the past. In the end, it doesnt really matter at all any more.
I hate my facade I displayed. And I felt crushed.

Unintelligent entry.

My mom was glad we spent time together, even if its at a food court and not some high-end restaurant. Chatted about Dad, life, me, her, Justin and stuffs over the deserts. Im happy that shes happy.

Its been a wearing and fun day! The whole day was all about laughters. At any point of times, I get stomach cramps from laughing too hard. The stupid things we did to bring laughters. People might say that we are childish but they just dont know how to have fun. Its good to be young, its great to feel young. And I will not miss out what I have to do for my age. Its all about how, what we do to create happiness, joy and fun. This is my teens life. Do not let me miss it.

Bought another SHOE! ME LOVE! It was alright tho, I saw a better one. >_>

Yu Jia is SELF-OBSESSED AND NARCISSITIC! And shes getting SHUAI! Love the smell of her HAHA! HER FIRST TIME SHOPPING WITH US! I was like, "WOW, YuJia's coming too?" Hee hee hee.

Gonna miss the nonsense and craps we had.

CLICK TO ENLARGE
More pictures in pending.

Something.

Whats going on with me and my life?

Nothing much. These few days I have been trying to work for a better life. Not trying hard enough I reckon.
I am working towards a better life, a healthier life.
I want a job. I want a hobby. I want a sport. I want an active life. A fancy life. What I picture in my mind, is so beautiful. But what am I doing to gain that?
Nothing.

Every night, I tell myself that I am strong. I tell myself that I do not give up easily. Wake up tomorrow for a good day. Wake up for a better future. Wake up to accomplish many things. Tomorrow is a greater future. I tell myself that, when I wake up, things looked as gloomy as they are yesterday.

I want to see in two years time when I go on to Polytechnic, I will look healthier, prettier, slimmer, full of confident than I am now.
N level is a test for myself and at the same time a test for my mom in me. I want to earn her trust back.

BUT, what did I do to attain that? Nothing. I failed again and again. I did not try hard enough. I am sick of giving up. I am sick of the inconstancy in my life.

Havent used my will, mind power for two years. Surrendering at every temptations every enticement. I think its screwed up and not for usage anymore.
Well, the 'pushing' continues.

Im feeling very emotional and sentimental tonight. I cried for the most particular thing. Weird. But theres something I've learnt to appreciate.

All I need - Mat Kearney
Lates.
P.S Justin, thank you for being there and encouraging me. You brought light and laughters to my life. You are all I see, I love you! :) Dont worry just yet, I WILL reach Poly. I hope you will be 'the constant' in my life.

My lovely addiction.

I have learnt of acceptance instead of tolerance.
-
These few days, I've been pushing myself everyday. Pushing myself pushing myself and pushing myself. But thats what many people want to hear. Im getting real tired of it. When can I accomodate to this?

Sleeping is still my biggest enticement. Pushing wont help much, it never fail to allure me into the comfort darkness.

Hereby, I offically agree that slacking is the greatest addiction anyone can get............. ...................................... ................. .............................. .................. ............. .............. ................. ..... asides from music.

Runaway love - Ludacris feat Mary J Blige
Chaw.

What I've done

Cant wait for Linkin park's new single!!

7 + 8 + 8 = 23

This is my 788th post.

"And how about this, for those of you who may now be seeing the number 23 everywhere - "The Number 23," which came out on February 23, is Joel Schumacher's 23rd film project. Is this merely coincidence, or is it something more? "

23

The Number 23 is a good film though the critics said otherwise.

Got god?

I told my mom about the two dreams I had yesterday.

She said, "The first dream is you kill yourself, the second dream is people killing you. That means huh you got no meaning in your life. You find life meaningless. Dream is displayed out subconsiously. Thats why I said you need spiritual guidance. Be it Christianity, Taoism, Buddism or whatsoever, treat it as a subject if you dont want to believe in God. Treat it as a subject....."

"To debate on?" I interrupted. "Debate on the piece of unreliable evidence."

"Well religious is not all about believing in God. You can disapprove of everything they teach and still go to church."

"HAHAHAHA this is funny. What is baptism?"

"I dont know, go through a process and your name will be registered under God and you will be his children. Something like that. And your every month's salary, 1% or 3% will be donated."

I winced in disgust at the words 'God's children'.

"............." I rolled my eyes. "Gees"

"I got a friend, he told me that he donated his money willingly and he strongly believes in God. Cause he said, hes prayers had been answered several times."

"But sadly mine has not been answered once."

"He has devotion and lots of faith. You dont believe in God aye, so you believe in yourself?"

"Errrrrrrrrr, I dont believe in God and I dont believe in myself either. Nothing. Whatever happens in life, you have to be responsible to it, not God. Whatever good things that happen in life, praise yourself, not God. Its stupid, the whole god thing."

-

I need to improve on my verbal literacy. I stutter when speaking, I cant express myself verbally. I seem to have bad english usage when speaking.

LINKIN PARK IS NOT DEAD! WOOOOOOORAY!

No Vitamin C in Ribena.

Glad im not a huge fan of Ribena.

"Why does your eyes looks so tired?" Mom asked.
"Dont know."
"But you sleep so much!"
"Yea..."
"It look so lifeless, like you got no life."
"Okay Mom enough." >.>
"You should do volunteer work."

The MV of Nelly Furtado - Say it right, the man in the MV, some of his features, look like someone I once loved.

I left the books all alone.

Will power and self-discipline help us to choose our behavior and reactions instead of being their slaves.

Everyone is constantly confronted and tempted by an endless stream of desires and temptations, many of which are not really important or desirable. By learning to refuse to satisfy all of them, you get stronger.

Overcome your laziness. Convince yourself of the importance of what is to be done. Convince your mind that you gain inner strength when you act and do things, in spite of laziness, reluctancy or senseless inner resistance.

Lack of self discipline is a source of low self esteem.

-

I failed again. Failed to study again. I cant push myself.

9 crimes - Damien Rice
Deuce.

Uhh. The judge, Ashraf Safdar from The Arena is HAWT AND SECKSI! He reminds me of Ramsese ha.

I AM SO FUCKEN MAD WITH MYSELF.
When was the last time I told myself not to sleep in the afternoon again?
Before I slept in the afternoon.

Whats the matter with me?
Thats why I said, I need to get out of here to study. Man, I NEED A JOB.

Trish you suck ass.
Bai.

My rock season is out. Listening aimlessly at the moment.
90.5FM WBER Rochester NYC, Alternative, indie.

The comfort of my home makes me procrastinate. I have to be out to study. =[
What does running in dreams mean?

Rock season's out for me.

My verbal literacy isnt proportional to my writing literacy.... ?

Currently reading - Is there a creator?

Eh, I seen Avril Lavigne's MV on MTV a few nights ago. Its like singing to a kiddy pop song and playing punk in the MV. She still sucks.

But your just so damn sexy.

Betty's sister said this, "First impression thats all I've got. So if I dont flirt with the boys and joke with the girls, they will realise theres not much behind the tight jeans and the low cut top."
It's so refreshing.

"Cause you're so damn sexy when your mad"

Its hard not to think about you when I've got all these songs playing on my playlist.

Damn photobucket being a bitch. Only got one picture uploaded.

Disjointed piece.

After reading through some of my posts, I realised that not every one of my posts are grammatically coherent. X_X

Paya lebar MRT station.

I inhale the last puff of the sweet cancer and flick the ciggarette on to the grass. I watch it burns, disintergrating it into crump of ashes. Oh sweet, I have to stand here for an indefinate time until he arrive. My eyes wander around the station, watching people rushing in and out, to some destination not that I know of. Are they rushing to attend an important appointment? Are they rushing to meet their new date?

A toddler in a yellow dress and purple shoes caught my attention. She looks so cute! It wasnt her looks that made her cute, it was her dressing! She really look like a sunflower. The all bright-in-power sunflower, with a purple shoe. And believe me, her dress is way too big for her. Just by looking at her dress, I saw an image of the olden Dutch or British ladies, with long puffy-blown-up dress. My eyes traverses in search of her parents. Ah, that explains why that toddler was dressed up that way. Her mom looks like one of those Indonesia maid, eating on a cup of jelly as she watches her daughter. Her Dad was wearing a white tee and a bermuda that is way too 'young' for him. His hair looks like the unoriginal version of Bob Marley and it was so unkempt. I can almost imagine his hair with hair brushes sticking out of it.

My eyes wander across the station. A guy in an old fashion gangsta wannabe, stood there. He looks like he is waiting for someone too. Hes hair looks like he poured the whole bin of gel onto his head. His head reflected every light that sink onto it, its so SHINY. I can probably reflect my own image on it. Whats more, its combed in center-parting. He wore some kind of wrist band and neck chains brought from X-craft, which is totally over. My line of sight is interrupted by three teenage girls, chit-chating and laughing away as they walked out of the station.

I dont feel like writing anymore.

*

J brought me to Katong, ate chicken rice, went to Parkway parade. Weeee done some shoppings. Went to East coast. Ran in the rain, went to his friend house, watch bloody soccer, went for breakfast, went home, worn out.

*

The ambiance I created from what the surrounding gave at the East coast was interesting. The sudden strong wind, the leaves rustling loudly, the kids crying, kids running across, the tide rises rapidly. It almost felt like a deja vu. I got a sudden surge to feel great trepidation of what will be happening. I looked up in the sky, I almost saw a billion pair of eyes looking down at me.

*

When we were at the prata house, eating prata, I saw something in him which I never seen before. I dont really know how to put it down into words. I will just end here.

Lost prophets - Last summer
Laters.
P.S The beautiful life. Cant forget that book.

Cockroach invasion!

"CATCH IT CATCH IT!" I bellow, horror leeching into my voice.

"Im trying to." My Dad deadpan.

The cockroach flew out of the way as my Dad's hand descend on it. I look at the cockroach in terror as it hover towards me. I notice the tongue of the cockroach sticking out as it flew. Weird I didnt know cockroach had such a HUGE tongue.

"I give up." My dad surrender, throwing his hands up in the air. "I cant possibly catch all the cockroach in this house."

"THIS HOUSE IS INFESTED WITH IT! MOM YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING" I chagrin, observing the cockroaches crawling its way into the couch. "PLEASE, buy a new couch!" I squirm uneasily in my seat, refusing to sit back and relax for a second. I inspect with caution around me, making sure no cockroaches came near me. I sit back and relax for a moment.

For a moment, I realised I was in bed, eyes still closed. I was reluctant to open my eyes. The last thing I want to see is a menacing flying cockroach with its ugly black tongue out. I lain in my bed, listening to any signs of evil doings. Its fine. The metal window frame contracts from the coldness of the room. I rolled myself into a ball, I felt cold. Damn, I remembered telling Mom that I dont want to use this blanket anymore. Its too small for me, now I have to freeze my ass off every night. Great. I felt the smoothness of my bed and my body. My skin becoming sensitive to any touch of the evilness. Its fine. I opened my eyes. Crap, I dreamt of cockroaches? Then bed squeaked under me when I shifted my body on the bed.

Im no good in interpreting dreams. Something about my fears? I listened to my Granny's footsteps outside the room.
When people regret, they learn something. How many times do I have to regret to finally learn something? Okay now, lets just see how this goes. Where will it take me. I doubt. No where far I reckon. This is no good, I cant sleep anymore. I picked up my cell, 4.30am. I thought about studying every single fucking day. Thinking about it is easy. When your actually doing it, god forbids its a torture. I sighed. Tossed and turned, trying to get some sleep. "When your 50, are you still struggling with your N levels?" Mom's voice echoed loudly from my strings of thoughts. I looked at my sis, snoring away soundly. I always wished I was her, ever since I was kid. Now I wonder, did she ever wished she was me?

I watched the door opened, a sillouhette appeared as I dozed back to sleep.

Nao chino!

A dumb decision I made today. I am NOT taking Chinese. And instead I went to register for a stranger subject. Nice move girl, way to go dumbass.
Speaking about dumb, I nearly drowned myself in the shower today.

Verity.

Deleted an old private blog. It was named as Red-verity. Direct antonym to my current name as Deceit. It was created to suffice my needs to surcease every anger, sorrow, displeasement in me. I read on my private blog, lots of hidings going on. And why did I decided to delete it? I dont see a need anymore as there is nothing to hide anymore. Friends had drifted, who should bother to pass a judgement on what this blog says. My blog is just all about my humble true thoughts.

Qoutes I came upon today,

"A person's greatest strength is always their greatest weakness."

"Ignorance is the beginning of wisdom."

And I hope my ignorance will finally pass on as wisdom.

LiLi said hi. I ignored her. Didnt meant to but no one interrupts my reading period. >D

My instinct tells me that im gonna stink on Audition today. So no point logging in. And im tired to strike up a convo with anyone in particular so I'll save the awkward moments.

Theres no sympathy for the dead - Escape the fate
Deuce.
P.S Onion really makes me FART alot. Lots. Theres even a distinct pain in my gut as the gas seeps its way through, down and out.

Ugly is the new beautiful.

Some of the quotes I stumbled upon.

"The only unnatural sexual behaviour is none at all."

"An idle mind is the devil's playground."

"If your not that stupid, I can at least explain how stupid you are."

"Why do monks choose to be a monk?
Its better than working for a living."

Finished watching the last episode of Ugly betty. SEASON TWO COME QUICK!
I cant stand the suspense forever.
And maybe I should start a summary or review of every episode of Ugly Betty.
Heh, just a thought.

Happily ever after.

And they lived happily ever after.
Thats how the story ends. Naw just kidding. There no happily ever after. Not in this world.
I was so excited to show you me without glasses. Cause you havent seen me with contacts yet. But I guess there wont be a chance for that.
I was suprised. That after all that happens. I show no twinge of sadness. Maybe like I said, I am numb towards all these nonsense. But still, I am not yet giving up searching. I guess I left many memories for them all. But who had left me with memories? Nothing but sorrow. Yes I am numb to it now. If you ask, only one left me with great memories and laughter. Will never forget that guy on the net. Reminds me of the song "Love on the internet." Very talented guy who wrote that song.

Wanna know my opinion on this issue? It is disappointing.
You said you love me, then why decided to end it? Because you cant handle all the issues that cropped up? Then what about me. I endured the pressure of being with you. Its stress to wake up everyday and think about "Will he be please if I wake up too late?" And you even made me look down on myself. Well. It doesnt mean a thing. Its the last goodbye. I dont 'eat the past grass' is what they say in chinese. Thats my rule.

The search continues.

Far away - Nickelback
Lates.

Sweet cancer.

I dont wanna sound cynical but I really despise people who obtain songs from the FM. Or mainstream listeners. I hate to feel this way but I cant really refrain myself from having that thoughts.

My friend and I was standing outside his car yesterday, having a taste of the sweet cancer when I noticed the car beside his was 'rocking'. What the face? For heaven's sake. Find a hotel. Guys these days have to even save a cent for these.
-
In any case, I dont accept silent. Id take that as an end.
So, you can stop looking me up if this continues.

You're not alone - SAOSIN
Chaw.
P.S He said I looked better with contacts and I look like a kid with the glasses. LOL. I feel so weird without my geeky glasses though.

Agony

The difference between tolerance and acceptance.

-In the process of dying from hangover.-

I quit!

After rounding up an all nighter BBQ party, I went to my school to give a letter of 'resignation'.

The walk to the school was depleting more of my energy. I was nervous and uptight about stepping into the school at the same time. I dont want to step in the school ever again. I followed Liyan with a sinking apprehension as she leads the way from her home to the school. An adventurous walk INDEED. We reached the FENCE of the school and we didnt want to walk a huge round, round the renovation blockage. The only way we saw, is a tiny grass path through it. Breathes of curses.

The wet, squishy sound under our slippers as we trot cautiously through the path. We didnt want to get our feet wet and dirty. Its like a walk through a forest. A dead snail, a dead moth, and a dead lizard. Sticky filthy mud acts like a quicksand under us. I pant slightly, sweats seeping out from my tiny pores, adding more humidity to the atmosphere. Oh I wish it was the cold season everyday. Ahh, finally.

I mustered up my confidence as I stepped into the General office. I gave the letter to the clerk who had no least respect for me on my first day of school till the day I left.

"Ms lau right?"

"Yes."

"So... why do you want to quit school? Wheres your letter? You look so different now."

I certainly do looked different and thats why your finally speaking with respect towards me now? Its all about the look?

"Yea, heres the letter."

"Okay...." She studied the letter carefully, satisfied, "Fine. I will get your name out of the records then. Thanks."

"Thanks, bye."

Im just glad we didnt have to walk back through that modification of the forest again. The other route, though, was harder and longer.

"Are we reaching yet?" I complained to Liyan.

"Nop"

"Is it gonna be long?"

"Not really."

"Have we halfway there yet?"

"I dont wanna answer you. You've got so many questions."

I smirks and continues walking. I bids her goodbye as I went on to the bus stop.

I feel that 90% of the people here, just came out of NS or had never seen a lady before. I've got the sex appeal? HAHA. I reckon that. It felt good though.
Ahh, the comfort of the air-con and the seat. I stared out of the window thinking. You know when you look at the view that flashes in momentary outside the window, your mind will wanders. And my wandered to every possible places I could be. Shall not elaborate. Im worn out.

A little girl boarded the bus. She was wearing the Woodlands primary school's uniform. An old man was in front of her, and hes walking slow and unsteadily as his legs deteriorate from old age. The girl was fustrated because she was late for school, she gives a sign of impatient and almost immediately, her expression changed to guilt and gave a smile of embarassment. She was guilty of feeling mad and impatient at the old man blocking her way. She sympatized and understood that age-ing people moves slowly. Somehow, I felt proud of her. She is such a sensible girl at this young age. She dropped off at the next stop. I noticed she was a prefect. The three ladies in front of me, was looking at her as she got off. A lady in her near 50s teared her look away from the girl and shaked her head slightly in disagreement as the bus continues the ride. I understood the lady, the girl was late for school.

The bus ride home is always interesting.