I wonder what such lack of trust would do to me, to us. This barrier of secrecy and protection i put between myself and him.
But at times, i really dont care anymore. Dont expect, dont demand, dont ask, dont hope and no despair.
Afterall, I had gave my all and tried my best. Withstanding all the pain possible and trauma I had ever experienced before.
Wow, not so sweet first times'.
And to the sweet first times. . . I only can wonder how things spiral down the way that it did. The cards and the msges didnt seem to predict this outcome. The result of it all is why it became a trauma to me. That, nothing is under your control and means. That you wont predict the next shocking happenings to you. You wont know whose gonna stab you behind with a knife. Nothing is for certain anymore and it scares the shit out of me.
I wonder where the once bright smiles of ours had gone to. . . . Faded into darkness.
P. S I had always love the butterfly effect concept, makes me feel like you can change your own destiny. . .
P. P. S There is no joy in holding on to someone that is no longer yours nor no longer happy being with you. Never felt this way before, as the past, they loved me to death.