Merry Christmas!

His gift for me.


My gift for him.


Merry Christmas everyone.
P.S Fill in the details the next time.

"Music can be used to underline or create psychological refinements--the unspoken thoughts of a character or the unseen implications of a situation."

When your working your way up, you will find the life you have been seeking for.

Hallelujah

Can you feel it? I hope not.

A little piece I wrote from work.

Why do I always get that feeling that I'm living in denial the whole time? I'm running away and hiding and hiding but it never gets away, the problem is still there.

Being with Nick is a different thing. Being with Nick is something like a vacuum.
Vacuum.
1. A region of space in which there is no matter.
2. A region of space having extremely low gas pressure relative to surrounding pressure. The air pump of a vacuum cleaner, for example, drastically reduces the air pressure inside the device, creating a vacuum; the pressure difference causes air to rush into it, carrying dust and debris along with it.
Take the black hole for example, no matter how much matter, how much atmosphere is being sucked into it, its still a vacuum.

I keep sucking and sucking happiness from him and he's giving and giving but it never gets enough. It keeps diminishing from me. And one day, he's gonna stop giving, and me will be nothing but a self-slothing hole of misery. Like constantly I'm asking myself, I'm happy with him, but how long is it gonna last?

My mom said, The root of it is not cured yet. But that's not the point.
I wish it was something else like a sex addict or an alcoholic. At least its like a real problem that have a real solution. Just keep the cigarettes away. But I don't know what depression is. Is like a non-existence resident in my mind that prefabricate negative waves. I cant really keep my mind away from my head, I suppose, can I?

Before my mom even started her medical classes, she is always saying to me, You could be happy if you want to, you could make it happen if you want to. But now, it all started to make sense to her why am I the way I am. I could express freely to her now although not as clearly verbally. She understands, she really do. But often she got these sad look that says I'm sorry but I don't know how to help.

Lost gray pictures of my past stain greener pastures of my future
Remembrance and recognition forces me to reconsider
I am seeking to regress and recreating what I've found a new beginning torn away
I'm spiraling spiraling down
Empty hands on the ends of these reaching arms need the touch of something real
Year by year we separate further
We are forgetting how to feel
For at the end of this long rope I hang in wait of fading echoes
Uncertainty haunts my everything
I look into tomorrow and I see nothing...
-Saetia

I gets very tired very easily. Work or no work. I gets tired, just tired, and what seems like an endless amount of sleep just to get away from it all. Tired of dealing with it, dealing with life. I just wanna buried myself out from the world. Maybe that's way I'm such a music junkie. It keeps me out from everything. I could sit for hours, devouring every seemingly magical note from every instrument.

Its not like I don't wanna control myself from feeling this way. I wish could though. Who on earth would want to feel as awful everyday?

When facing people, feels like a cheerful and shy facade naturally built on. When they left, it would linger momentarily and then disinvigorated, sunk into the deep holocaust.

The people, the drinks are just a cock screw, preventing an out-burst of the ocean. The never ending flowing of water. No one knows when is it gonna stop. Maybe its never gonna. It won't, cause the problem is still there.

Sometimes, I get tired of dealing with them. I would shut them out of my senses and hope they would leave me alone for a while. I don't wanna talk or just open my mouth. Cause I don't wanna put on this smile anymore. I'm tired and I'm sick of it. Cause I'm not happy, I don't wanna see them laughing and joking with me. It's not funny. I ain't laughing. I don't wanna see them happy either.

There was a time when I thought it was all over. I thought the negativeness would never return again. I was really happy then. Like a true happiness. As if there's a fake one. Well, yes, to me there is. And then it all sets in again. I wish that kind of happiness would come more often.

These loneliness no one would know.

Look what have we done.

I kept walking and walking, thinking and thinking.
My tears kept flowing and people were staring and staring.
Oh the glorious tears. How did we turn out like that?
I looked beyond the quarrels and everything was nothing but, perfect.
I was on the train, sitting and sitting. Its time for silence.
The mad world spinning around me.

New found flame.

Emotional and intense. Enjoy... Or try to enjoy.

I was really taken back by the fact that it was a Japanese band and that they did this screamo shit. Really rare, and it came out real good. Sensational.


P.S Do not delete me from your links.
P.P.S I heart "There is no happy here."

Line resumed.

Phone line resumed. You can call in, msg in, anytime, anywhere.
Pls do msg your phone number, name, NRIC number and your age, thanks.
Or tag them. Dont worry the whole world dont read my blog, its save to tag.

In love with Noel.

"Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life more and more unbearable. Depression is a lot like that. But you wont even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or turning twelve and then turning fifteen, and then one day you realise that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence."

I gets alot more tired when im not working at all than working.

Argh. Cant find my quiet time. Mom keeps talking to me. Will blog some other day.

The first Noel, the angels did say.
Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay.
In the fields where they lay keeping their sheep.
In the cold winter's night that was so deep.
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel.
Born is the King of Israel.

Bai.
P.S Cant find a version I like of The First Noel.
But I love my own version, my own tempo. NYAH.

Its been a drag. This few years, its been a drag. Im tired.

L.I.F.E #2

Me: "Life is so empty. Life is so meaningless. So black. So dark. Why do they struggle? We are all gonna die anyway. ARHHHH! *Pulls face and hair* So empty, so empty."

*Hydraulic sounds from the kitchen*

Me: "I dont understand, I dont understand. So empty, so empppty. I dont understand, dont understand.... life."

LOST.

If you need to know, I lost my phone. YES AGAIN.
If anything important, msg or call 96170174. Nick's number, thanks.
I have not plan to get another phone til I get over myself.

Lemon Tree.

Somehow this song "Lemon tree" got into my head and stays in resident there.
I dont know how since I havent heard it since P4.

My sister told me she just sang this song in kBox two days ago.
Maybe we are connected somehow. Mm. Telepathy.

For those who hasnt heard it before, this is the preview.

Fufilling? Not quite.

Different paragraph with different incident that took place. This is how I felt at the very moment.

-
"I remembered my Mom telling me how she would have not gotten married if she knew how it would turned out."
"Ya ya, your Mom and I thinks alike."
I really wonder if there is no problems with the financial status, would they have said the same thing? If yes, then its good to think thrice.
-
The machines are eating out my patience and soul, slowly and torturing.
-
Telling a blue collar worker about the high life and good life when he's working his ass off out of nothing sure aint helping at all.
-
The next time im going through PMS, I should skip work. Really shorten my life. Wait, that's a good thing.
-
Im basically losing it! Im totally tripping right now. Every second is a clenched fist, tight lips, gritted teeth. Do not even come closer to the line, or even cross the line. I swear to the next fag who make me flare up.
-
I feel dumb. I feel useless. I feel stupid. I feel incapable. Inconfident. COMPLETELY! I am Trish, I should quit. Whatever this job had made me felt before, had never been there. I never been that.

-

Kay whatever. Phases that took place. But honestly, I am speaking through gritted teeth the whole day. IT WAS "EMOTIONAL ANGST". There are times I just lose it. The aunties prolly didnt dare to talk to me. I was banging the keyboard, throwing the mouse when something cropped up. Or even, abandon the work load and just stood there, gratifying my child's tantrum. The few times I went to the toilet and weeped for absolutely nothing in concern.
What? Its coming in and yet again.

Sorry for the boring post. Im dead tired.

Morning.
P.S The shoutings and the fightings made our love grew, only but stronger.

I love my guru.

Can I quit my life like Alt-Ctrl-Del + End task. Wish it was that easy like a game.

"And words written over time only serve to paint these days a clearer shade of black."

Travel away far away.

No matter what job you hold, you cant avoid politics from happening.
The best remedy is the ignore therapy.

Im listening to Letters to Dana - Sonata Artica and I suddenly miss the Turkish people and the Dutch boys. Except for Assa Delcastine.