Getting better from depression was like that. Missing dimensions popped back up. Plain old normal days tasted crisp and delicious. And then there were the bittersweet replays, when I traveled through the previous months and years, and counted all I’d misheard, misfelt, and missed. Depression isn’t noble or interesting; it’s monotonous, self-absorbed misery that leaves little room for art or kindness or other people.
I’m back, I wanted to shout last spring, that hunched crone was a changeling, not me! I wanted to learn how to get better without running from the site of misery; how to return to people who hadn’t realized I’d been away. I would have liked some scars to point to, to explain my absence. It was shocking, in a way, this drug-borne proof that I’m an animal, washed with chemical tides, turning seasons, light, and food into moods. When you reduce my suffering to a curable disease; to symptoms, postures, and intonations, I’m no longer especially special. All those causes for my sadness fluttered down like snotty Kleenex.
It’s been more than a year since I got sick, and months since I got better. Every day I think of the scientists who mashed up rat brains to create the drugs that brought me back to life, and I’m grateful. And I wish more people could shuck that hollow shell.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The nasty transaction.
SHOPPING SPREE!
1 top from WAREHOUSE - $89.00
1 pair of heels from PRIMAVERA - $49.00
3 dresses from MANGO - $91.00
So happy! *Smile smile smile*
Okay, MANGO was fucking crowded. I bought two dresses with the same design but different colour. WHAT?! Booya. This is what I call impulsive buying. JUST BECAUSE the crowd is too huge. It gave me a feeling of "there is no time left". When I came out of MANGO, I heaved a huge sigh and said,"That was so much fun."
And yes, squeezing with a bunch of girlies, desperately trying to grab something, anything. Cause, ITS THE GREAT SINGAPORE SALES! GEES.
And I saw an awesome white dress from WAREHOUSE. I didnt get that tho I could have.
=[ its $112. After five hours, im still telling myself, "Get out of my mind, fucking white dress."
We drove to Geylang to have TimSum! Cant forget the prawn rolls thingy.
And theres nothing I could do but to let it stay in my stomach. Tomorrow I have to compensate my SINS! No food and jog my ass off. Self control girl.
Nyah my collections of heels.
Nights.
P.S WHITE DRESS! CRYS.
1 top from WAREHOUSE - $89.00
1 pair of heels from PRIMAVERA - $49.00
3 dresses from MANGO - $91.00
So happy! *Smile smile smile*
Okay, MANGO was fucking crowded. I bought two dresses with the same design but different colour. WHAT?! Booya. This is what I call impulsive buying. JUST BECAUSE the crowd is too huge. It gave me a feeling of "there is no time left". When I came out of MANGO, I heaved a huge sigh and said,"That was so much fun."
And yes, squeezing with a bunch of girlies, desperately trying to grab something, anything. Cause, ITS THE GREAT SINGAPORE SALES! GEES.
And I saw an awesome white dress from WAREHOUSE. I didnt get that tho I could have.
=[ its $112. After five hours, im still telling myself, "Get out of my mind, fucking white dress."
We drove to Geylang to have TimSum! Cant forget the prawn rolls thingy.
And theres nothing I could do but to let it stay in my stomach. Tomorrow I have to compensate my SINS! No food and jog my ass off. Self control girl.
Nyah my collections of heels.
Nights.
P.S WHITE DRESS! CRYS.
To the end?
Har har. I call it Karma.
The only place im escaping from, comes all the way back to me in the end.
Appointed examination centre: Si Ling Secondary School.
Eff. How scary is that.
The second place I have been avoiding all my life, still, returns to the beginning.
It really felt that my life evolves around Hougang. Eventually, I still make it there.
My mom told me, she had noticed the changes.
To that, im good. Im fine. Just the hear one person tell me that.
Assurance.
I can tell - Saosin
Morning.
P.S My piece of advise, Kwang. Seek professional help from a psychiatrist. I know your confused. This is my sincere piece of word.
The only place im escaping from, comes all the way back to me in the end.
Appointed examination centre: Si Ling Secondary School.
Eff. How scary is that.
The second place I have been avoiding all my life, still, returns to the beginning.
It really felt that my life evolves around Hougang. Eventually, I still make it there.
My mom told me, she had noticed the changes.
To that, im good. Im fine. Just the hear one person tell me that.
Assurance.
I can tell - Saosin
Morning.
P.S My piece of advise, Kwang. Seek professional help from a psychiatrist. I know your confused. This is my sincere piece of word.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
54.
I want to......... laugh, at how easy to the familiar ranting of "Oh i wanna lose weight but it wont go awaaayyyeeee!"
HAHAHA down to 54 in less than a WEEK. Im so proud proud proud of myself. Something to live for everyday.
Bought a $30 contacts. I AM SO MAD at myself for listening to the salesperson. Its not like im indecisive, its just because of her effort and so i bought it. Simple but FOOLISH. This is so maddening.
Today was a productive day. Thats all I can blog.
Rooftop - Lost prophets
Chaw.
P.S Everyone I come across, take me as a fucking ride.
P.P.S I still wanna laugh about how easy it is to lose weight. Go away flabs.
HAHAHA down to 54 in less than a WEEK. Im so proud proud proud of myself. Something to live for everyday.
Bought a $30 contacts. I AM SO MAD at myself for listening to the salesperson. Its not like im indecisive, its just because of her effort and so i bought it. Simple but FOOLISH. This is so maddening.
Today was a productive day. Thats all I can blog.
Rooftop - Lost prophets
Chaw.
P.S Everyone I come across, take me as a fucking ride.
P.P.S I still wanna laugh about how easy it is to lose weight. Go away flabs.
w880i
My sis just bought a W880i. Althought I didnt really like it but I still feel happy for her.
Just sitting here, sipping on Earl's grey tea, listening to my playlist, I feel somewhat satisfying. Its cool, lifes good.
And they call this tragedy - Alesana
Nights.
Just sitting here, sipping on Earl's grey tea, listening to my playlist, I feel somewhat satisfying. Its cool, lifes good.
And they call this tragedy - Alesana
Nights.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Bulimia
Its not like im doing this for anyone's sake. My insecurities are like a time bomb and I guess this time, I wanted to end it once and for all. I was so desperate.
And now, im am getting so into and so addicted to it, throwing the fact that it ruin my health away. Im beginning to fret, to feel guilty and uncomfortable of leaving just a little amount of food in my body, althought 90% of it are out.
-
I want to befriend my Dad's young malay friend. LOL. I think, it isnt the first time I saw him.
Sway - Lost prophets
Late.
And now, im am getting so into and so addicted to it, throwing the fact that it ruin my health away. Im beginning to fret, to feel guilty and uncomfortable of leaving just a little amount of food in my body, althought 90% of it are out.
-
I want to befriend my Dad's young malay friend. LOL. I think, it isnt the first time I saw him.
Sway - Lost prophets
Late.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Always - Bon Jovi
Sis: You know when I listened to this song Always - Bon Jovi in the morning on your phone just now, I looked at Lan's picture and felt sad for you. I almost even cry when listening them sing this verse, "Its been raining since you left me, now im drowning in the flood".
Me: Really? Wow. I once dedicated this song to him on my blog when I was still with J.
Sis: Does Lan knows?
Me: I dont think so... =/ Shit you just gotta make me think of him again.
Sis: But I dont like him. He made you sad.
Me: Well, but everytime when I thought of him, its the happy times that are there. I cant remember anything sad. I almost cant find any flaws on him.
Its just something I kept in my heart. I stored it well. I had stop reminiscing just because I am so familiar with it. Whenever, wherever, I will still smile by the tune of To be with you - Mr B.I.G. I hope your happy. I hope you would think of me sometimes and smile to the days. To the 500 witherless roses.
To the best man.
Miraculously, he came online after my sis and I finished our talks. The song of Always was playing. And no, we didnt talk.
-
Days like these, I appreciate.
Waking to my sis's ramblings about her bad dreams and talking to her while im half asleep and finally laughing so loudly and couldnt get back to sleep. Listening to the cadence of the birds singing. Be the first to wake up and have a hot tea, listening to those assuring music while waiting for the rest of the family, one by one yawning as they sat in the living room. Greeting each of them morning as they smile gratefully. Bidding my granny a cheerful goodbye as she went for her morning walks. Talks and laughters would start to blend in when my eyes glow with thankfulness.
This simple bliss I refused and failed to realise in my younger years.
20 hour drive - The red jumpsuit appratus
Baiiee.
P.S Would you have had asked me out for dinner if I didnt msg you? But im done with it. This will all goes away quickly.
P.P.S In this state that im in, without a proof of at least a cert of intellectual, I still think that im good enough for Poly. Well its sad. Its a pity for me to go to a waste. I guess ive met my criteria but not theirs.
Me: Really? Wow. I once dedicated this song to him on my blog when I was still with J.
Sis: Does Lan knows?
Me: I dont think so... =/ Shit you just gotta make me think of him again.
Sis: But I dont like him. He made you sad.
Me: Well, but everytime when I thought of him, its the happy times that are there. I cant remember anything sad. I almost cant find any flaws on him.
Its just something I kept in my heart. I stored it well. I had stop reminiscing just because I am so familiar with it. Whenever, wherever, I will still smile by the tune of To be with you - Mr B.I.G. I hope your happy. I hope you would think of me sometimes and smile to the days. To the 500 witherless roses.
To the best man.
Miraculously, he came online after my sis and I finished our talks. The song of Always was playing. And no, we didnt talk.
-
Days like these, I appreciate.
Waking to my sis's ramblings about her bad dreams and talking to her while im half asleep and finally laughing so loudly and couldnt get back to sleep. Listening to the cadence of the birds singing. Be the first to wake up and have a hot tea, listening to those assuring music while waiting for the rest of the family, one by one yawning as they sat in the living room. Greeting each of them morning as they smile gratefully. Bidding my granny a cheerful goodbye as she went for her morning walks. Talks and laughters would start to blend in when my eyes glow with thankfulness.
This simple bliss I refused and failed to realise in my younger years.
20 hour drive - The red jumpsuit appratus
Baiiee.
P.S Would you have had asked me out for dinner if I didnt msg you? But im done with it. This will all goes away quickly.
P.P.S In this state that im in, without a proof of at least a cert of intellectual, I still think that im good enough for Poly. Well its sad. Its a pity for me to go to a waste. I guess ive met my criteria but not theirs.
Drunk and single in NYC.
"Truth is, no matter how much I deny it or pretend otherwise, I am a woman. Biology programmed me to be obsessive compulsive about the men who sleep with me in my bed. It’s my instinct to find the most burly man to provide for me and my brood and to make him stick around and rear our children. Make him stop playing Johnny Appleseed, sharing himself with the rest of the species. "
-
"But life lesson:
If something requires too much effort, you're forcing it. Let it go and get something else because hands down, when its the right fit, the ease and comfort of the process will let you know.
The same lesson can be applied to relationships, job searches and even sex."
-From Shannon.
-
"But life lesson:
If something requires too much effort, you're forcing it. Let it go and get something else because hands down, when its the right fit, the ease and comfort of the process will let you know.
The same lesson can be applied to relationships, job searches and even sex."
-From Shannon.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Discussion.
Yesterday night.
XY called me at 9pm telling me to come down to Discussion at 10+. I was like shit, why so last minute. I reached at 10.30. Stood outside 7-11 waited for her for FREAKING 1 HOUR. Pissed off. BUT there was a group of MALAY skateboarders. OMG. D: One of them was called chris. They were so funny.
Finally. I saw the bartender when Im sober. STILL CUTE. I keep telling XY Shit I finally got him off my mind why did you bring me to look at him again. AHH. And we kept giggling about it. Bartender Meng was too busy didnt get to talk to him, only once or twice when he came to talk.
Something incredible. WE SAW AH YI BAO YU. I was like SHIT DOES HE RECOGNISE US?!?! He used to go HP very often. *AHEM* Its still funny.
The night I was so tipsy. I was okay until I decided to go over to the other table to play drinking games with that guy whom I and XY stole two packs of cig from when he was drunk few months ago ROFL. I kept losing, its fine. Call it karma.
Alphy didnt fetch me home. He was asleep. Omg the cab fare. -_- I need a job. Its not like last time when I had Darren to sent me home everytime I go Discussion without paying. HAHA.
Still it was a funny night. Especially when we saw Ah yi bao yu.
XY called me at 9pm telling me to come down to Discussion at 10+. I was like shit, why so last minute. I reached at 10.30. Stood outside 7-11 waited for her for FREAKING 1 HOUR. Pissed off. BUT there was a group of MALAY skateboarders. OMG. D: One of them was called chris. They were so funny.
Finally. I saw the bartender when Im sober. STILL CUTE. I keep telling XY Shit I finally got him off my mind why did you bring me to look at him again. AHH. And we kept giggling about it. Bartender Meng was too busy didnt get to talk to him, only once or twice when he came to talk.
Something incredible. WE SAW AH YI BAO YU. I was like SHIT DOES HE RECOGNISE US?!?! He used to go HP very often. *AHEM* Its still funny.
The night I was so tipsy. I was okay until I decided to go over to the other table to play drinking games with that guy whom I and XY stole two packs of cig from when he was drunk few months ago ROFL. I kept losing, its fine. Call it karma.
Alphy didnt fetch me home. He was asleep. Omg the cab fare. -_- I need a job. Its not like last time when I had Darren to sent me home everytime I go Discussion without paying. HAHA.
Still it was a funny night. Especially when we saw Ah yi bao yu.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Chivas.
Sorry girls I didnt make it to Sentosa. Well its kind of DEPRESSING looking at nutrients-deprived people. Okay I know im being cynical. BUT YA it is demoralising. But dont worry! There will be next time soon ;]
Saw Jia wei at Hougang. HE COULDNT RECOGNISED ME! Its nothing suprising either. I met a primary school friend who told me I kept changing all the time. I think its my hair LOL. I love doing obvious changes to my hair. From very long hair to SHORT to shoulder length to SHORT to very long and SHORT again. Seems like I love short hair more.
Tell me to get over my new hair, NO I WONT AND I CANT. Get over telling me to get over my hair. I look like a real chinese now.
Seth dragged me out of the house yesterday night. You know how expensive adult fares are now. -_-! I miss the 45cents days. Rys lost his wallet AGAIN. When was the last time I heard this familiar line. Two days ago? Jees.
Taking 161 at night felt like going way back to sec3. XY told me, "You yao xiang yi qian zhe yang ar?" And I laughed. It definately worth the laugh thinking back.
ALPHY didnt managed to bring a bottle of Chivas back for me but I got a bottle of Bacardi instead. Actually, its all good tho I would have prefer Chivas more. I WANTED A BOTTLE OF CHIVAS FOR MY 18TH BIRTHDAY OKAY. But its cool, its fine. I go where ever the liqour is.
Hopesfall - Icarus
Later.
P.S I just thought he seems such a nice guy thats all.
EDIT: LOL
MSN
Alphy: Bought Chivas for you liao.
HAHAHHAHAH THIS IS SOOO FUCKING FLY. Chivas and bacardi <3
BITCH WANNA GET WASTED WITH ME!
Saw Jia wei at Hougang. HE COULDNT RECOGNISED ME! Its nothing suprising either. I met a primary school friend who told me I kept changing all the time. I think its my hair LOL. I love doing obvious changes to my hair. From very long hair to SHORT to shoulder length to SHORT to very long and SHORT again. Seems like I love short hair more.
Tell me to get over my new hair, NO I WONT AND I CANT. Get over telling me to get over my hair. I look like a real chinese now.
Seth dragged me out of the house yesterday night. You know how expensive adult fares are now. -_-! I miss the 45cents days. Rys lost his wallet AGAIN. When was the last time I heard this familiar line. Two days ago? Jees.
Taking 161 at night felt like going way back to sec3. XY told me, "You yao xiang yi qian zhe yang ar?" And I laughed. It definately worth the laugh thinking back.
ALPHY didnt managed to bring a bottle of Chivas back for me but I got a bottle of Bacardi instead. Actually, its all good tho I would have prefer Chivas more. I WANTED A BOTTLE OF CHIVAS FOR MY 18TH BIRTHDAY OKAY. But its cool, its fine. I go where ever the liqour is.
Hopesfall - Icarus
Later.
P.S I just thought he seems such a nice guy thats all.
EDIT: LOL
MSN
Alphy: Bought Chivas for you liao.
HAHAHHAHAH THIS IS SOOO FUCKING FLY. Chivas and bacardi <3
BITCH WANNA GET WASTED WITH ME!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
IMEEM cut my song to a 30sec preview.
Can i just be something
Somewhere in your room
That you wont notice
Maybe ill be paper
Or books thrown on your floor
Move me when you want to
I'll live where you put me
In your VCR
If i become a cassette
Or on top of your computer
If thats where i would fit
Then so be it
I will not say one word
Ill just hang around
I wont annoy you at all
When you move out ill stay
Until im thrown away
But then it wont matter
-
Yesterday night, I had a blast. Me and my music. Its nights like these that make me wanna lose my mind and go crazy over music. Devouring every musical seemingly notes from every instruments which sounded ever so assuring in my ears. I looked out the window. Beyond the facade of the world, only music felt so true, so sincere.
Armor for sleep - Kind of perfect
Ciao.
P.S I be fine. I know you will make it through, I wont be around to see.
Somewhere in your room
That you wont notice
Maybe ill be paper
Or books thrown on your floor
Move me when you want to
I'll live where you put me
In your VCR
If i become a cassette
Or on top of your computer
If thats where i would fit
Then so be it
I will not say one word
Ill just hang around
I wont annoy you at all
When you move out ill stay
Until im thrown away
But then it wont matter
-
Yesterday night, I had a blast. Me and my music. Its nights like these that make me wanna lose my mind and go crazy over music. Devouring every musical seemingly notes from every instruments which sounded ever so assuring in my ears. I looked out the window. Beyond the facade of the world, only music felt so true, so sincere.
Armor for sleep - Kind of perfect
Ciao.
P.S I be fine. I know you will make it through, I wont be around to see.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Uncle kenneth.
From my dearest successful uncle.
Hallo Ah mei, how are you?
How are you coping? Work / studies? Any luck?
Dont push yourself too much okay. Go slowly. The going is tough but you will succeed if you cross your own hurdle/barrier. I think you are not strong in your social skills leading to poor self esteem, low confidence and depression. I would encourage you to be open and communicative with your parents and sister. This helps to clear your head.
Previously, I went for phycologist sessions to help me cope with my depression. Actually, the sessions didnt help much though the phycologist was great. It all depends on your willpower to overcome your weaknesses / development points and you shouldnt be ashame of your development points. Everyone has it.
I hope this email ensourages you along your tedious journey into adult life. Remember you have a great family to rely on. You are still a teenager and have a whole life ahead of you! You have not missed the boat yet, trust me.
Take care and anything email me. I will give you a call sometime soon.
Cheers.
Ken
Hallo Ah mei, how are you?
How are you coping? Work / studies? Any luck?
Dont push yourself too much okay. Go slowly. The going is tough but you will succeed if you cross your own hurdle/barrier. I think you are not strong in your social skills leading to poor self esteem, low confidence and depression. I would encourage you to be open and communicative with your parents and sister. This helps to clear your head.
Previously, I went for phycologist sessions to help me cope with my depression. Actually, the sessions didnt help much though the phycologist was great. It all depends on your willpower to overcome your weaknesses / development points and you shouldnt be ashame of your development points. Everyone has it.
I hope this email ensourages you along your tedious journey into adult life. Remember you have a great family to rely on. You are still a teenager and have a whole life ahead of you! You have not missed the boat yet, trust me.
Take care and anything email me. I will give you a call sometime soon.
Cheers.
Ken
Drunk and Single in NYC.
"However, genius and creativity go hand in hand with madness, and I find that my observations on human behavior become more acute as I look outward to satisfy that emptiness that comes from a sun-devoid depression."
-Derived from Shannon.
-Derived from Shannon.
Gift and curses.
Mary belongs to the words of a song.
I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her.
But she will not wait for me, anymore, anymore.
Why did I say all those things before? I was sure.
Mary's alive in the bright New York sky,
the city lights shine for her, above them I cry for her.
Everything's small on the ground below, down below.
What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know?
She is the one, all that I wanted,
She is the one, and I will be haunted,
She is the one, this gift is my curse for now.
I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her.
But she will not wait for me, anymore, anymore.
Why did I say all those things before? I was sure.
Mary's alive in the bright New York sky,
the city lights shine for her, above them I cry for her.
Everything's small on the ground below, down below.
What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know?
She is the one, all that I wanted,
She is the one, and I will be haunted,
She is the one, this gift is my curse for now.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
161
Something I thought of while staring at the greeneries.
"Entrap in a world filled with pairs of eyes of anguish that suffocate her, watching her every moves."
-Over self-consiousness.
-
A good reason to stop wearing glasses nor contacts. To block out the "red eyes".
Honestly, I havent exactly know what the hell am I doing.
I wish there was an acoustic version of Smashed into pieces - Silverstein. It would turn out awesome.
My dad's going to Vietnam for a few months. I WILL MISS HIM! CRYS.
November rain - Guns N roses
Laters.
P.S I still wanna go to Discussion to look at the bartender when im still SOBER.
P.P.S If you think you are wrongly accused, speak it up to me.
"Entrap in a world filled with pairs of eyes of anguish that suffocate her, watching her every moves."
-Over self-consiousness.
-
A good reason to stop wearing glasses nor contacts. To block out the "red eyes".
Honestly, I havent exactly know what the hell am I doing.
I wish there was an acoustic version of Smashed into pieces - Silverstein. It would turn out awesome.
My dad's going to Vietnam for a few months. I WILL MISS HIM! CRYS.
November rain - Guns N roses
Laters.
P.S I still wanna go to Discussion to look at the bartender when im still SOBER.
P.P.S If you think you are wrongly accused, speak it up to me.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Please respect.
Leeched from XH.
Simple personality test.
Only the bold ones are right at the moment.
Right-Right
===========
Loves challenges type
Straightfoward. Once they decided on one thing, will take action right
away. Very curious, and love challenges. Dare to face dangers without
thinking through (sometimes foolishly).
Their weakness is they dont
listen to others, will filter in only what whey want to hear in a
conversation, and very subjective. However, because of their
straightforward attitude, they tend to be fairly popular.
-
I am boiling mad now.
Excuse me? You have no least RESPECT for me.
You and me, drinking alone in your house? And? For? To repeat the same mistakes again?
Makes me feel that I am so fucking right to leave you. Jerk off my face.
Not everything can use sex as a solution dumbass.
You dont respect me as a girl, your out of my life. Not even friends.
So effin yup, kaythxbai.
Simple personality test.
Only the bold ones are right at the moment.
Right-Right
===========
Loves challenges type
Straightfoward. Once they decided on one thing, will take action right
away. Very curious, and love challenges. Dare to face dangers without
thinking through (sometimes foolishly).
Their weakness is they dont
listen to others, will filter in only what whey want to hear in a
conversation, and very subjective. However, because of their
straightforward attitude, they tend to be fairly popular.
-
I am boiling mad now.
Excuse me? You have no least RESPECT for me.
You and me, drinking alone in your house? And? For? To repeat the same mistakes again?
Makes me feel that I am so fucking right to leave you. Jerk off my face.
Not everything can use sex as a solution dumbass.
You dont respect me as a girl, your out of my life. Not even friends.
So effin yup, kaythxbai.
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