Butterfly effect

I wonder what such lack of trust would do to me, to us. This barrier of secrecy and protection i put between myself and him.

But at times, i really dont care anymore. Dont expect, dont demand, dont ask, dont hope and no despair.

Afterall, I had gave my all and tried my best. Withstanding all the pain possible and trauma I had ever experienced before.

Wow, not so sweet first times'.

And to the sweet first times. . .  I only can wonder how things spiral down the way that it did. The cards and the msges didnt seem to predict this outcome. The result of it all is why it became a trauma to me. That, nothing is under your control and means. That you wont predict the next shocking happenings to you. You wont know whose gonna stab you behind with a knife. Nothing is for certain anymore and it scares the shit out of me.

I wonder where the once bright smiles of ours had gone to. . . .  Faded into darkness.

P. S I had always love the butterfly effect concept, makes me feel like you can change your own destiny. . .
P. P. S There is no joy in holding on to someone that is no longer yours nor no longer happy being with you. Never felt this way before, as the past, they loved me to death.

And i always thought i was happy,

until you gave me something to compare with. . .

And I always thought I was always afraid.

I don't understand why is everything so difficult nowadays.
I don't understand why human cant put down their defensiveness and ego.
I don't understand why people just can't love.
I don't understand why is it so hard to live without walls.
Stop hiding. Stop being afraid.
It's just me. And I'm still here as always...


And I had always believed in karma.
What comes around goes around.
What you send out to the universe, the universe always returns you twofold.

Tinted window panes

I used to know someone who had an aura of righteousness around him but well, guess what?
I used to know someone whose moral compass never failed him but well, guess what?
Someone used to tell me that he would never had actions that would directly affect another person but well, guess what?
I knew someone who believed in love and never wavered but well, guess what?

We all like to have that perfect fantasy partner, when you see him for what he really is, what is the outcome?
These stifling emotions weighing me down everyday, getting tired, getting disillusioned.
The turning point when you stop looking through rose-coloured glasses.
Tired of the pain, tired of the thinkings.

This mess brought to me doesnt affect anyone else but myself. Consequences is enjoyed, but not by me.
Alone in this mess. The only person suffering from this, is me.


Is this what long-term couple is all about?
Leading seperate parellel lives apart from each other, dating another person behind each others back while proclaiming love and loyalty forever.
What a disappointment.

The chain of events initiated by one.

I wanna be touched.
I wanna be fucked.

I wanna feel wanted.
I wanna feel needed.

I wanna be lusted.
I wanna be chased.

I wanna feel important,
even if im not.

I wanna feel like a priority,
even if im not.

Every girl wanna be romanced.

Life #4

I cant remember when since I felt happy and fulfilled living in this world.
There is nothing holding me here anymore.
Really disappointed about everything that this place can offer.
There is no point in anything when knowing hope is just a sham that people seek solace to.
There is no perfect painted picture, there is no happily ever after.
I have no strength nor will power to overcome myself.
I need a new purpose.
Because the old purpose had expired and burnt out.

Because this is my year.

I really dont wanna let go.
I really dont wanna move on.
Even if the last shred of self-respect is gone.
I dont wanna go.

I love my bb. I really love my bb. :(

Frankenstein

It may not be the truth of human kind, but it depicts a true common traits of human nature. It left me doubtful, with a sense of diminished hope. There is no hope for mankind. I love this story, as depressing as I.

In a recent event, the light for hope of change in mankind is dim. My hopes high, for an alteration of perspection in human ability for introspection and wisdom, sank.

Mary Shelley is right. Human, clouded their judgements with emotions and convenience would not recognise what is true in front of them. But to wallow in their self pity and self indulgence. Human, weaker than their own creations. Human's benevolence only served what is good for them and their parochial justifications and opinions.

Not all man are created equal. It is such a pity for myself to cast a judgement of disgust to this lowly creature that I have contacted recently, as I had also became clouded by emotions of disgust.

Maybe awareness and reflections are not a forte of humankind.

Reflections

I had this thought in my head today, "I wanted to do that, lets go do that now."
Lets go do that now since people around me recently had brought up this observation about me, that I do whatever I want, I decide without seeking opinions and does what I had decided without further considerations.

Before this, I had not realized this about myself. I had always thought that I am fickle minded, I procrastinate alot. Never would I believe that, that observation was one of my traits. Listening to that, it made me swell up with pride and confidence. I had always love independence and had always aimed to be someone that doesnt needs anyone. I felt an accomplishment that I am somewhere near who I wanted to be.

In contrast, I had not realized that, the person closest to me, thinks I had left no space for discussion, that I did not seek his opinions or inputs.

Its time, I be a little more sensitive and aware about my speech and actions.

In pursue of happiness

Sometimes, we know it. We just chose not to see it. We chose not to choose happiness. We turn away from happiness because it is easy. Resuming life as it is because it is easier than creating happiness. It is a hard work of moulding and shaping ourselves in the pursue of happiness.

One can turn away from happiness without consciously being aware of it. One can also deliberately chooses to reject happiness.

She chose to consciously reject it. Not because she hates happiness. She loses the strength and vitality to pursue it. He is stronger than her, but he lack awareness. He unconsciously turn away from happiness. He lost the wisdom to see the path.

We are without guidance in the face of human nature.

Our undying love

I wish the way i feel for you is like the way i felt for you when i fell for you...
I wish for the passion to never end like how the evening and the sunset would stay beautiful permanently.
I wish for our love to be an everlasting diamond in my heart.
That the night would never end, the rain would never stop.
Our stomach would never get full from eating, we would never pass out from drinking.
Now that the tide had fallen, the leaves had turned orange.
The season will come again.
To renew our undying love.

Do people welcome unsolicited compassion?

Is pity/ sympathy from the bottom of your heart ever geniune?

When i see people of colors not being appreciated for what they do and contributed during work or outside work, i always think they deserve to be treated better for the effort they put in. In a way I do pity them at times.

But today, i question myself if the sympathy i feel for them true and real?  

If we are not in their shoes, we are not treated the way they are treated, in a broader perspective, is that a truth?

Or is it that it is in human nature to feel pity because it trigger off a sense of superiority? If thats so, then is it right to say that if a person is not in the same situation, they are not displaying true sympathy that stems from a purer intention? 

Anyway, today i think, in the far future, you might not be able to understand me as well as I thought you could.

You might not have the respect and trust to give me.

And you might not be able to comprehend my complex ideas, possibilities and my way of eliminating problems. 

And that is a problem.

do come tonight. any night.

I wanna die in my sleep.I wanna die in my sleep. I wanna die in my sleep.I wanna die in my sleep. I wanna die in my sleep.I wanna die in my sleep. I wanna die in my sleep.I wanna die in my sleep. I wanna die in my sleep.I wanna die in my sleep.

We could stay young forever

Theres a face I recognise in the crowd. In the sea of faces, your sillouette is the only shadow I look for.

Always been someone I could depend on. To rely on. Someone whom I could trust. 

To know that everything he did is always for me. Always thinking for me. Thinking about me. With pure intentions and little motives. Just by knowing, keeps my heart at ease.

My head is filled with thoughts of him. Flashbacks of what we used to be. Memories of those nights we've spent. Oh how much Ive been charmed.

I love seeing you in my mind. I love remembering you in my mind. 

A love so pure and untainted.

And why does he love me so?

INFP/INTP in love..

 “Dreaming about being an actress, is more exciting then being one.” - Marilyn Monroe 

“I would look up at the moon and see that it was not the smooth orb we had all believed, but a pitted and scarred world with no air.” ― Christopher Pike, The Last Vampire

Like work, in the beginning, its a wonder, its refreshing, and its fascinating. You get so engaged by it. Absorbing and interacting with much enthusiasm.
But like work, you get disillusioned easily. Disenchant, jaded. Appalled by the reality of how things is actually.
Like beer, it loses it effect after an hour making you craving for more and disappointed by how fast it ends.

You realized that, in life, nothing makes you happy.

facade

Everyone is in a facade that they have a relation with someone. That they are close to him/her. That they know someone. 

We are all under the pretense that we have someone to depend on in times crisis. In times of needs. 

You might have them. But everyone need everyone with a motive. You might have them, but it doesnt mean you truely know them.

In the end, we are all just strangers. Alone in this big world.

i hate myself

It would kill my personality.

And i always had a value, to live life at my truest self. 

What is life if you have to live behind a mask? An unfamiliar mask. A life you lived as a stranger to yourself.

I cant multi task. I cant switch roles as quickly. I cant blend my roles in.

If i continue to do what society expects of me, there would be no Trisha.

Dont i always wished i was somebody else?

I am not meant for this.

Not meant for any of these.

Can someone help me be and feel normal?

One of those days where theres nothing in the future i look forward to.

So what Ryan.

So what money.

So what job.

So what family.

It all meant nothing.

Life #7

Im not a genius.
I did not study well.
I cant play guitar well.
I cant play my keys well.
I cant sing at all.
I dont earn much.
I didnt live a life im proud of.
I didnt live a life true to myself.
I didnt live a life that I could die happily.
I lived a life I'd die just to be out of it.

What can I really do?
I know Im meant for something, but what?

Born in a wrong country, in a wrong family, in a wrong body.
I can blame everything but till this day, i know, its myself to blame.
Im not hardworking enough.
I fear too much.
I think too much, I do too little.
At the end, would I live a life true to myself?

coma

My thoughts of dying is a constant dull aching existence in the back of my mind.
And its becoming more intense each and every passing day. I hate this life.

You see,

part of me, is fighting the urge to think back, to contact.

What joy is maintaining friends, over enemies...
I miss a part of us.