And I chose not to Fear, so I chose God.

I guess he is too immature to handle a relationship.
Sometimes I really wonder why I do I always make wrong decisions in relationship.
I guess this is karma for me by taking Nick for granted, now someone else is taking me for granted when I tried wholeheartedly to devote myself to this relationship.

It takes two hands to clap.
If one wants to move forward, the other wants to stay in his comfort zone, the relationship will never be fulfilling nor satisfying.
Changes are inevitable, people have to realise that than to protect themselves by fencing up their comfort zones and not growing.
If the quote, "don't try to change your partner" exist, why have I changed so much to grow out of my own fears for him?
Why does long married couples changed overtime?
If people would realised that fear creates the phrase of, "do not try and change me" a relationship would proceed in a more faster pace than just a word of 'divorce'.

Fear creates stagnation.

I love you, Fernandez Wilfred Wenceslas.

Drugs and such.

Im gonna find my joy.
Im gonna take responsibility of my life and not push it aside the best that i can.

Past few weeks have been spiralling down. Somehow that point of time i couldnt find my way back up. My old habits that leads back to depression. Im not gonna let that happen again.
As true as how sobriety pains me, it too exhilarates me.

And i thank God for my mere existence.

Razbliuto

I know one day, I would listen to this same song and feel the same feeling.
I would look to this day and I would look back to what I've missed.. or in fact gave up on. Deeply etched in my memory.

Is life supposed to be this emotional and melancholic?

Whats happening?

Taking a break from studying, I decided to take stroll back memory lane.
Embarrassing and saddening path I have chosen to walk.
They say God only wants the best for you, so I guess at that point of time, God's work havent manifest itself yet.
Looking back, I could only smile at how foolish I have been, how much I have learnt from this life of mine and so much I have grown. So much stronger, wiser and so much more determine. Ive found comfort in it.

Life, go on let it prosper!
Let God do His work on it!

Cant believe im such a fool.

My iPod of 4 years. Finally its gone.
Thinking back, it was him who got it with me.
Every song is a piece of memory.
2k songs, good bye.

Maybe, maybe.
God wants me to let the old memory rest.
I shall redownload songs again as soon as I get a new one.
But every 2k songs? I doubt. Sigh.

This feels like the past.
Sort of.
Motivating aesthetically.
Thank you Youtopia.
Cause you be lighter than air.

Just needed to post a new post after a long hiatus.
How long was I away?
A year?

What had changed, what hasnt...
Im still melancholy.
Have a good christmas.

Soon to goodbye 2010

What have I accomplished this year.

I became single.
I got my O level results.
Learnt keyboard.
I partied non stop!
I got drunk countless times.
I had lots of fun.
Attained a "party like a rockstar" title at the endless VIPsss seatings.
HAHA.
I made a bunch of new friends.
I got attached.
I became single again.
I loved/hated Chuck Bass.
I got into Poly.
I got an A for grades.
Didnt score too well for 1st semester because of endless club.
2.5 GPA.
Endless suppers and exploring new places.
Jb trips for lunch and shoppings.
I presented, overcoming my fears of stage fright.
Had a dance routine workout for a day by cheographer.
Made a bunch of Polymates.
My first attachment in KTPH.
Seen many unsightly humans in their worst states.
Stayed at the coolest hotel, MBS.
Lost an inch or two off my waist.
Improved my guitar.
Improved my piano.
Jamming sessions with D.
Countless drinking and roaming the streets with D.
He confessed his feelings.
Got into trouble in school many times.
I stopped clubbing for sem 2.
My first Genting trip in December.

So much more. But I couldnt think of anything now.
What have you accomplished?

ITS A GREAT YEAR!! (=

Goals for next year.
Improve my GPA!
GO BANGKOK!!
MORE DIET!!!

This year was really really fast.
Too fast.
Its like my birthday had just past.

And its already November. (:

Life is great!
And its already September! <3

Why?
Is nightlife a habit?
Is it a hobby?

Its not the loneliness in me, that keeps me going.
Its the boredom.

Eight months past so fast.
Im over you in a few.
Its amazing how life changes in an instant.
Its even more amazing that most stay stagnant.
But the truth, single people changes the most.
And me, always love changes and unstablity.

I got so much I want to do, but I only have limited resources.
Sigh.
Does anyone never ever get bored of life?
Because boredom is my weakness.

For comfort, for entertainments.
But never for love.

I rarely have the time nor energy nor focus to do any other commitments right now.
I really wanna start my music grading...

Oh god. I just find him so interesting.
I want him.
I wanna own him.
I want him mine.

Fuck. Im just so obsessed.
Since Day 1.
Come to me Chuck Bass.
You need no other girls.

A letter of tranquillity. I wrote.

To: Nicholas Ooi Jing Wen

I got so much to say to you but I dont know how to start... I know it might be shameless of me to ask for forgiveness the fact that Ive hurt you too much but I hope that some day down the road you would find it in your heart to forgive me.

After 6 months it finally struck me, that your far away now.
I told you about that I regretted because I just had to let you know... not because I want things back the way it was. I just had to let you know. Because I think, for you to know that, you must be happy knowing it. And I dont mind letting you know for its a piece of me. And that I was the one losing something valuable, not you.

And you said I am never satisfied, but your wrong, I find myself couldnt love anyone anymore right now how I tried. No one was near comparable to what we had. Our connection was important to me...

I thought hard and long about it before sending this msg.
I looked back into our good and bads that happened and I smiled.
I sent this msg because of the acceptence of you being gone now.
Because of the acceptence, I had the courage to send it.
You are still the best thing that ever happened in my life.

Now that you are the star in someone else's sky, I shall find my star too. And it might take long years to find someone better than me. Someone who can converse about everything under the sky. Someone who want the same things in life. The shared goals and motive. I wouldnt settle for the second best anymore or just anyone that im curious about like Andrew. Because life has more to it than guys like him.
It would take long years to find someone greater than what we had.

But im not afraid anymore.
You used to give me courage, now, you still do.

Oh and about the last quarrel that we had, im sorry about the harsh language I used. I think its abit of jealousy plus the fact that I felt offended when you talk about your sex life. We used to be close enough to talk about intimate stuffs but at that point of time, we are not anymore.

And I have to say, the tone of this letter, when im writing it, it sounded really peaceful in my mind. Somehow, I think God wanted me to sent this letter... I was praying and this came to mind... Maybe it marks a closure for me, and maybe you too. I hope you feel better after reading this letter.
Lets work hard together for our lives! =)

Oh and listen to this,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdtOxwRXmVM

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFTvbcNhEgc

These two artist always have relaxing music.

With love,
your sister,
Trish.

P.S I really hope you can tell me about your O levels results when its out!
P.P.S I dont why I put sister, but because your like a brother to me.

I wanted so much for him to know how I miss him.
And that I couldnt bring myself to love anyone else anymore.
A million words, a million tears, a million regrets couldnt bring him back.
Til the day, I would open up my heart to another guy,
I must stay strong.
I must become a better person.
I must be happy, single.

And he said to stay away.