Love/hate relationship with Nolstalgia

20 years down the road.
I would still look back and feel the same way.
Like life would be perfect somewhere else, faraway...

The setting of an illuminating orange sun.
Out there where nobody sees you.
Nobody hears you.
Where you could be you.

Only God knows.
Only He sees the truth.
___________________________

I could be as carefree as I want to be.
I could be a million things in my head.
Feeling the breeze on a long winding empty road..

the girl with golden eyes

At first it seems so sweet,
And then you wake up next to a monster.

Buried me with roses..

worthless.

As worthless as life itself.
Meaningless.
We are meant to be sheeps.
Even the shepherd will turn into the sheep he lead one day.

Even the sky is turning to be meant for only sheeps.

I didnt know I was lost

You changed my perspective.
Happy days ahead.
Balancing wasnt an easy issue. It still isnt.
But you made it achievable.
Life would be great ahead.
I think I understand what it means to be alive now..
I think I understand how to stay this way now..

I used to think it was all or nothing.
But I can have it all.

(:

Shangri La

Thank you my bb for making my birthday a 3 day celebration.
Thank you for bringing me to the many places ive never been.
Thank you for the 3 days staycation, for the hotel bigger than my living room.
Thank for the little suprises you still do and the gifts you still gave.
I love you my bb. #rysha

Gratitude

Thank you for all that youve done.
Thank you for all the capacity you have generously shown me.
Thank you for all the promises youve fulfilled.
Thank you for all the security and assurance youve gave me.
Thank you for the courage youve gave me because you know I lack of it.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you for being you.
All of me... I give to you..
Even the darkest part of my heart.
I love you, Ryan Yiap Zhan Hong.

"Everything so blurry and everyone's so fake... you could be my someone, you could be my scene. You know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene.  I wonder what your doing, imagine where you are..  can you take it all away?"

Your the only one thats real to me..

Life #4

So many words unspoken.
So many thoughts scattered.
Is life that meaningless?
You learn, you work, you explore, and then you give rise to the next generation, you teach them the way of life and then, you die.
I cant.
I dont belong here.
And I dont  want  to belong here..

I want you for the rest of my life

Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

The used-to weekly affair

Guess where?

-deine

The thought of it, a sip of it gets my bones aching for it.
As self destructive as ever.


I wish I was materialistic.
Materialistic people have the drive.
What drives me?

What makes me tick?
What makes me feel?
What makes me passionate?
Bound to be apathetic... #intp

The loss of spiritually

Like ants, we are rushing for something to look forward to.. something to do, somewhere to belong to or someone to love.
Something to proof before we die; that we have not lived in vain.

Beauty could not be bought by materials. Its all surrounding us as we breathe..

The leech

It grabs on to you, hangs on to you relentlessly. 

If you tuck at it, you hurt yourself.

You burn it, you kill it off.

Only one will survive.

After the blood has dried off, your skin have withered, it then, stealthily trail off. 

Off to another prey in the sunset..

I miss our memories
I miss the you I used to know
I miss our happy times while you were still you
That careless and free spirited soul just aching for protection
I hated how you became this monster
I hated how things changed
I hated how what I wanted is different from the past

We could never go back
and we could never ever be together

our memories will always be in my heart.

marilinglatenighttalksanslaughterssupperlongwalksexploringexotic
areasyourlaughtersyourjokeyourstupidmalayaccentsyoureyesyourlips
yourtattoosyourarmsandthatsexyvlinehowithoughtyouweresomanly
thatsmell..

What I wanted was already long gone since a year ago.

Goodbye great memories, leave the bitter ones behind.



Ohh baby baby its a wild world..

wanna be nobodies

No matter how you try and try, you could never know a person 100%
Makes me wanna get away. How ironic life is, knowing theres so many close and loved ones around but, loneliness tends to creep in on you.
Life is THAT melancholy, and still is..

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
All the drugs in this world, wont save you from yourself..
-Coma white, Marilyn Manson

大家好聚好散
开开心心的做人。。!

And I chose not to Fear, so I chose God.

I guess he is too immature to handle a relationship.
Sometimes I really wonder why I do I always make wrong decisions in relationship.
I guess this is karma for me by taking Nick for granted, now someone else is taking me for granted when I tried wholeheartedly to devote myself to this relationship.

It takes two hands to clap.
If one wants to move forward, the other wants to stay in his comfort zone, the relationship will never be fulfilling nor satisfying.
Changes are inevitable, people have to realise that than to protect themselves by fencing up their comfort zones and not growing.
If the quote, "don't try to change your partner" exist, why have I changed so much to grow out of my own fears for him?
Why does long married couples changed overtime?
If people would realised that fear creates the phrase of, "do not try and change me" a relationship would proceed in a more faster pace than just a word of 'divorce'.

Fear creates stagnation.

I love you, Fernandez Wilfred Wenceslas.

Drugs and such.

Im gonna find my joy.
Im gonna take responsibility of my life and not push it aside the best that i can.

Past few weeks have been spiralling down. Somehow that point of time i couldnt find my way back up. My old habits that leads back to depression. Im not gonna let that happen again.
As true as how sobriety pains me, it too exhilarates me.

And i thank God for my mere existence.

Razbliuto

I know one day, I would listen to this same song and feel the same feeling.
I would look to this day and I would look back to what I've missed.. or in fact gave up on. Deeply etched in my memory.

Is life supposed to be this emotional and melancholic?

Whats happening?