facade

Everyone is in a facade that they have a relation with someone. That they are close to him/her. That they know someone. 

We are all under the pretense that we have someone to depend on in times crisis. In times of needs. 

You might have them. But everyone need everyone with a motive. You might have them, but it doesnt mean you truely know them.

In the end, we are all just strangers. Alone in this big world.

i hate myself

It would kill my personality.

And i always had a value, to live life at my truest self. 

What is life if you have to live behind a mask? An unfamiliar mask. A life you lived as a stranger to yourself.

I cant multi task. I cant switch roles as quickly. I cant blend my roles in.

If i continue to do what society expects of me, there would be no Trisha.

Dont i always wished i was somebody else?

I am not meant for this.

Not meant for any of these.

Can someone help me be and feel normal?

One of those days where theres nothing in the future i look forward to.

So what Ryan.

So what money.

So what job.

So what family.

It all meant nothing.

Life #7

Im not a genius.
I did not study well.
I cant play guitar well.
I cant play my keys well.
I cant sing at all.
I dont earn much.
I didnt live a life im proud of.
I didnt live a life true to myself.
I didnt live a life that I could die happily.
I lived a life I'd die just to be out of it.

What can I really do?
I know Im meant for something, but what?

Born in a wrong country, in a wrong family, in a wrong body.
I can blame everything but till this day, i know, its myself to blame.
Im not hardworking enough.
I fear too much.
I think too much, I do too little.
At the end, would I live a life true to myself?

coma

My thoughts of dying is a constant dull aching existence in the back of my mind.
And its becoming more intense each and every passing day. I hate this life.

You see,

part of me, is fighting the urge to think back, to contact.

What joy is maintaining friends, over enemies...
I miss a part of us.

Higher than high... I want it.

I wonder if he is good for me.
My fire burns brighter than anyone else.
My devotion drills deeper than I had ever felt.

Is this the feeling that I had been seeking for?

If it it, then, is these good for me?
What if, loving someone is not better than being loved?

He loved me better than anyone had.
He's sincerity beats anyone that tried.

But, what if, it is better not to love at all?

Love, or be loved?
Be loved, or indifference?

Separate lives or die lonely? (Not much difference there.)

P.S Im happy, but will it last?
P.P.S I can already feel, a little, that hes already getting used to these, while im still dying to feel him.

P.P.P.S Used to be 2 bottles, now, its more than that.

Worth a thought.

And they claimed writing down what you have learnt for the day and your reflections in 400 words every single day would give your brain and IQ a quick boost.

Oh crap its only 30 words.

You know whats depressing?

The only stimulant I have in life is love, sex, drugs, money, rock n roll, food and booze.
Nothing else seems to get me excited at all.
I need to exercise soon before my mood weighs me down.

Fear for a right reason

When love comes around, fear is inevitable.
The art of growing is acceptance.

Self sabotage is no longer a choice although at the very moment it sounds feasible.
Escapism is just a momentary solution to the torturous emotions.

Thats me in a corner. Thats me losing my religion.

The minute I was agitated, I knew I was wrong.

The imagery of my mom.
The scene of the kitchen
She, tearing and hanging the clothes of everyone of us.
How was it fair?
How do people wanna be one of them?
The indignancy.

How does everyone repel these treatments?
How is it that everyone doesnt know that these are the injustice that comes with marriage?
How did my sis decided on marriage?
Where did that kind of courage comes about?

I thought I knew. But I dont.
After tonight, I dont.


The females out there, do not give up.
Never ever give in to them.
The egocentric guys.

Life #6

You can choose to live in denial.
You can still choose to live like the sky will always be blue and where the flowers will always bloom in the fields.
You can choose to live an idealistic live like how you always want it to be.

But truth is, we all have to grow up someday.

And its no fun anymore.

Life #5

Life is like the waves of the sea.
The passer-by of the sea.
At the end of the day, the sea still exist like the waves never been there.
It comes it goes.

Like someone mentioned, we are just the passer-by of life.
Taking up a fraction of the timeline.
After we die, the timeline still goes on, like you never been here.
After a century, who would remember, who would have known that you had ever existed at all..
End of the day, is there really any meaning to all of these?
We are just a tiny fraction of the whole population, tiny fraction of the ever going timeline, the world is too huge.

I want to live with the world than live within a society.

Too dead to die

"This was never my world,

You took the angel away.

I kill to make everybody pay."

After all Ive nurtured,

I still,

hate myself.

I fell in love with the intensity in her music, and her eyes..

Such freedom in expression.
Rather than being tied to the technical limitations of our instruments.
Such freedom..
I want such freedom to express.


"Today im dirty,
And i want to be pretty.
Tomorrow, I know that im just dirt

We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies.
When were dead
They will know just who we are."

Marilyn Manson - The Nobodies

different shades of the same

I used to think love was just a perception.
That it was just a kind of chemistry.
That love was something to do with your
hormones.

I used to think love was an explainable force.
That love was just pure science, an equation, and that you could make love happen by choice if you align all variables.

I used to think love was replaceable.
That it was just a matter of choice.
That you could switch it on and off by command.
That is doesnt matter who your with, the feeling, the cycle, the thoughts that come, will be all the same.
That 1+1=1. And that would be just me.

That there was no such thing as magic.

Would this be different? Or am I just as usual, living in the spur of a moment..

Anti-cholinergic

Looking back, I might not have grown up much at all.
Except by being plagued with more practical worries and realization that the reality doesnt seem as fulfilling and idealistic as it seems. Jaded pretty much more than the past.

The only comforting thought was that, I did managed to get away from my past of an even more disorganized living than the current state. Although right now wasnt to expectations of society, but, still manageable and bearable.

How long can I sustain this? Not really sure.

How long can I go on being like this? Not really sure too.

Funny how I asked myself the same question way back then, years ago.
Looks like im regressing or..., im still wisdom-less.
______________________


P.S. Funny how Anarex and Atarex sounds the same.
Pretty much the same effects and classification too.

Love/hate relationship with Nolstalgia

20 years down the road.
I would still look back and feel the same way.
Like life would be perfect somewhere else, faraway...

The setting of an illuminating orange sun.
Out there where nobody sees you.
Nobody hears you.
Where you could be you.

Only God knows.
Only He sees the truth.
___________________________

I could be as carefree as I want to be.
I could be a million things in my head.
Feeling the breeze on a long winding empty road..

the girl with golden eyes

At first it seems so sweet,
And then you wake up next to a monster.

Buried me with roses..

worthless.

As worthless as life itself.
Meaningless.
We are meant to be sheeps.
Even the shepherd will turn into the sheep he lead one day.

Even the sky is turning to be meant for only sheeps.

I didnt know I was lost

You changed my perspective.
Happy days ahead.
Balancing wasnt an easy issue. It still isnt.
But you made it achievable.
Life would be great ahead.
I think I understand what it means to be alive now..
I think I understand how to stay this way now..

I used to think it was all or nothing.
But I can have it all.

(: